Background info on how it all started - or what tipped me over the edge

No death in the family or anything like that, just a crazy remark that sparked a whole series of events which although the cause is not the subject of this blog.

Things were hard, but I was coping, even if I was not sleeping.  I was so worried about not sleeping that I wasn't sleeping - two hours sleep then a 13 hour shift was not much fun.  Everyone had had to fill in a skills list, another name of re-applying for own job, to be scored, not based on ability but on sickness time, courses attended etc.  I was convinced that I would not have a job in my department and the date when we would find out was put further and further back.

The only thing stable in my life was work, even managed to do a bit of overtime all be it night shift.  Then one morning was told by my boss I was being transferred to another site for 6 weeks - and it was tough that I didn't have transport I just had to go.  It sounds pathetic I know but if he had said - Pam it will be good for your career development or sold it to me a bit better - gain further experience etc etc then it might not have been the final straw.  I had a bit of a reprieve as a colleague was off sick so I was to stay where I was for an extra two weeks.

However, when a friend asked how I was I said "well I daren't go to my GP as he will sign me off work" which I didn't want as it would go against me whilst HR was working out who would be re-deployed - everyone was in the same situation.  Things came to a head when I shouted at my daughter for miss-understanding a joke.  

She dragged me to the doctors to make an appointment, then turned up the next morning to ensure I attended the doctors.  The Dr asked me a serious of questions and as stupid as this sounds now until then I had not realised just how depressed I was, I answered "all of the time" for everyone.

I had been going home from work and just wishing I was dead.  I knew I wasn't going to do anything stupid as I did not want to hurt my daughter, but if I was run over then I would care

I am much better than I was then but still have down days, but I'm Learning to Chill and not be stressed or so depressed

My first blog ....

This is my first blog, not sure how it will be but here goes!  I've not been well, had what the Dr has described as Severe Depression, but I'm now taking Happy Pills and not as Severe Depression, just depression.  So what has helped

• Twitter
• I know no-one on my twitter account in real life (RL) but I have gained followers who have been very kind, helpful and considerate
• Work Colleagues
• Some of my colleagues have been very supportive and said really great things to lift my mood without them realising it
• Acceptance
• Learning to accept how things are and I can't change things
• Chill
• my new favourite expression is "CHILL"  linked to the acceptance of things I can't change.  No more ranting, just say CHILL instead
• Daughter
• My wonderful daughter is forever finding ways to cheer me up and not let me wallow in self pity, but to try and find ways for me to be less stressed
• Art Acadamy for DS
• I'm learning to draw/paint with the DS which is relaxing, and as it is electronic, I'm able to keep trying and trying without wasting paper, paint etc

Well that's it for now, will keep adding and will be honest about how I feel