Counselling

I had the form for the counselling services for some months before I posted it off.  The time felt right for me to start addressing some of my issues.

I had a phone message left giving me choices of a few dates/times.  I accepted one and then blogged I was going for counselling, I was quite nervous and I had a few very positive and encouraging comments about the benefits of counselling.

I nervously attended the first session,  The counsellor whom I’ll call Katie was lovely, she explained how the service work and asked about the initial catalyst that had caused the severe depression and my childhood and my so called love life and other details of my life.  I left after the hour rushed by I felt very positive about having started some counselling.

The second session with Katie she asked me some questions base on what I had initially told her last week.  This session was spent mostly on my childhood; she made some comments about my parents/grandparent, which I became very defensive about, however, have spent some time thinking about what was said, I agreed with her.  Some things said to me when I was young, were unkind, hurtful, and should not have been said to a child.  I need to start looking after myself, let others look after themselves.

Just returned from my third session.  I’m going to write a letter, which will probably never be sent but might make me feel better.  I need to remember I am an adult and not a child about to be told off; I need to recognise the feelings and learn not to react child like but to remain in control of the situation. 

She suggested ways to enable me to sleep prior to a day shift.  My biggest fear is that I will sleep in, so instead of sleeping I spend most of the night worrying that I’ll sleep through the alarm.  New ways of waking up are needed, instead of just relying on one alarm clock think of other ways.  This has helped and I’ve worked three day shifts without sleeping in and have slept for at least 7 hours.

Fourth session was did I write the letter – I did but haven’t sent it – not going to send it but it made me feel better.

The rest of the sessions became a bit more personal which I’m sure you will understand that I don’t want to share with my blog.  I had a total of 8 sessions.  Most of the time I feel OK but I still have some bad days.  Whilst having CBT my GP told me, it would be better if I were not taking anti depressants at the same time I did feel OK at the time.

Other things have happened and I can feel my self sinking back into depression again so I may have to go back to the Dr for some anti-depressants.  Not having been on twitter for a while due to looking after daughter has not helped as I used twitter to help keep me sane – well not so depressed

It all helping me Learning to Chill

Daughter

My daughter has put up with a lot lately, she was the person who had initially dragged me to see the GP and suggested counselling.

Unfortunately she has broken her foot and two toes so I am now looking after her which is how things should be not the other way round.

It would be wrong to call her hop-along but that is an appropriate description especially as she can't weight-bare. We had had a great time in London a terrible journey home then I was back at work whilst she was still partying when she broke her bones, so it's Mum to the rescue. 

I really hope she has a quick recovery not for me but for her


Update


10 weeks later daughter still is unable to drive:(  


Don't tell her but whilst I may have moan about looking after her I am enjoying spending more time with her !!

Cricket

For those who follow my tweets you may have noticed a few cricket tweets, something like

100 for 2 from 20 overs RR 5.0 chasing 200 #engVsl

Makes perfect sense to me and other cricket fans but an American follower did ask me what on earth I was taking about!!  Let me explain very simply the teams have 11 men who have to score the most points – runs.  One team is hitting – batting, the other team are throwing – bowling and trying to stop them scoring runs – fielding.  Once 10 men from one team are all out – an innings, then the teams swap similar to rounders or baseball.  In test cricket, the matches last up to five days and both teams have two innings.  In one day matches each team has either 50 or 20 overs to throw – bowl (six throw/bowls = one over) at the other team.  There are ten ways to be out, but that is another story!

I love cricket, prefer test matches but one day matches and Twenty20 matches are still good to watch.  I watch cricket on TV the way I used to with my dad, TV volume turned down, TMS on the radio.  It is made more difficult with the satellite TV being slightly out of sync with the radio.

Some people say cricket is boring, and it can be at times, but to me it is a fascinating sport.  The England cricket team have not always been very good, for years they lost series after series, were bottom of the ranking tables.  It was never easy being an English cricket fan, the Australian media even called the English travelling fans Barmy.

Then slowly they started to win matches and even win series in 2005 they won the Ashes – beat Australia - in England but when they went to Australia in 2007/08 they lost 5-0, making it once again very difficult to be a England cricket fan, especially as the matches were on in the middle of the night.  I was either staying up or sleeping with the radio on.  They lost the 2008 series against South Africa so it looked like England was returning to losing again!

In 2009 they beat the Australians at home, then last winter 2010/11 they won in Australia helping to erase the nightmare of four years earlier, at the time I tweeted that I’d rather win an Ashes Series than a football world cup – not me personally you understand but the England team!  The cricket world cup did not go so well for England, some absolutely brilliant nail bitingly close matches, but going out in the quarter finals.

However, this week England have become the ICC number one ranked test team, it is a fantastic feeling although I am really enjoying this feeling I keeping wondering how long it will last for, it makes a change for the glum faces in the grounds not to be English, but I am making the most of it for now.

It all helps me to CHILL  

So what has helped - Other People’s Blogs

Through Twitter, I have followed links to other people’s blogs and daily papers.  Some I have read but not looked at again, others I have ‘Followed’ some I just lurk and look periodically.

A couple of blogs have affected me by their writing

1                     Poems and their stories  -  A selection of poems by Kirsten Shaw

2                     Me and my shadow  -  earl of bootyopia

I am not usually a fan of poetry, but Kirsten’s poems are easy to understand and often contain an explanation of the meaning or why they have been written.  I find it easy to relate to the pain and loneliness in some of her poems.  They make me realise that I am not alone in feeling loss.

The other blog, on depression has really affected me.  I wondered why it had affected me so much.  I think it was because I could relate to most of what had been written and maybe I had been depressed for much longer that I thought.  I have always felt I am not as good as my siblings, colleagues, friends and my best is never enough. 

I recently tweeted about losing followers on twitter I said that if I was unfollowed it was because they found me uninteresting.  Some lovely people told me I was talking rubbish, but I felt I was just being honest, not false modestly or looking for a compliment from others, but because that is how I genuinely feel.

After reading Earl of Bootyopia’s blog I decided that it was about time I posted the forms off for some counselling, I had been thinking about it for a while, especially after going to one of the Time For Change Roadshows.  So I sent off the form, and now two weeks later I have an appointment for tomorrow with a counsellor.  Not sure what to expect, but I shall see what happens as I’m going with an open mind - albeit a poorly mind !

It all helps to learn to chill and relax and be less stressed, so thank you to all the bloggers out there, you never know who is reading and you never know you may be helping them.

Thank you

ps - please tick the reactions box !  thanks

Update - been for my first counselling session, the counsellor was lovely, didn't make me feel an idiot or stupid and am going back next week 

Catalyst over

As previously mentioned the catalyst that sparked my depression was not a death in the family or anything like that, just a crazy remark that sparked a whole series of events which although the cause is not the subject of this blog.

The events that were related to the crazy remark are now resolved – good I hear you say everything will be back to normal – No it is not, as there are knock on effects that I have to deal with, again these events are not the subject of this blog.

It is how I will cope from here on in.  I need to re evaluate things and how I am going to be going forward.  One of those initially involved eMailed me – so not rushing in I am thinking of an appropriate response – initial reaction was ‘go away’ or words to that effect!  Meanwhile they have sent a message via facebook thinking I have not received the original eMail.  They are obviously so arrogant to think that I have not replied because I have not received the eMail rather than I am not sure if I want to contacted them again!

Still the dilemma remains – do I want to make contact with them again or not – we had all been close friends for a long time before this started.  I am still pondering if I want to contact them or no, although the eMail makes clear only one of the group does want to make contact with me – ironically, it is not the sender but I would have to go through them.

I had been feeling quite good about things, but this has upset me again, so I whilst I ponder I will just continue to CHILL!

Why Oh Why Do I Let Myself Feel Down

Why Oh Why Do I Let Myself Feel Down

If a comment may be taken the wrong way, I do so.  Not everyone is out to attack me or knock my confidence constantly, easy to type not easy to believe.  I’m NOT paranoid just take things very personally.

Let me explain  

• When told I was being sent on a communications course became convinced it was a personal vendetta, against me, now have settled down and realise that it was not a personal attack, just coincidence that with 24 hours there were two customer complaints made about me – see Upsetting Communications

•  When asked to swap shift, I am always happy to swap for others, but very rarely am I able to find anyone who will swap with me, it is usually because those who would swap are unable to due to their shifts.   

• Little things will wind me up, and then it takes a long time to settle down, at work, I just say "I am worked up and trying to chill", unfortunately at home, I end up shouting at the daughter.  I should not shout at her or let her be the focus of my stress as it is not fair on her especially as daughter she has been a big help

Having described the problem, I’m no nearer to finding a solution as to stopping becoming so wound up but I realise that I DO need to do something so I can CHILL and relax more and not take things so personally.

What's helped - Art Acadamy for DS

I'm learning to draw/paint with the DS which is relaxing, and as it is electronic, I'm able to keep trying and trying without wasting paper, paint etc.

I have now ventured out to using real paper, pencils and paint.  I  have just tried to re-create the images from the DS Lessons.  I have been to the park with my pad and paints - but they are not very good - at the moment - not sure the others are really but will post a few of the 'DS Lesson drawings & paintings'

Hopefully over the year there may be some improvement - can't be much worse :)

It all just helps me to Chill

First pencil drawings

2nd pencil drawing

Very 1st watercolour

second watercolour

Upsetting communications

I'm going on a "communication course" as there have been two complaints about me at work and possibly a third complaint made.  If my boss had communicated with me before enrolling me on the course then he may have realised that one of the complainants said they were NOT complaining about me.  The second complaint had been witnessed by another customer - what & how I had communicated with the other complainant - she had offered to speak to my boss on my behalf if there ever was a complaint made against me.

Just really upset about it especially my boss' lack of communication with me, he even asked another manager to tell me I was going on the course.  The following day an eMail is sent out about another complaint - things not done, poor communication etc etc but at the end of the eMail it stated it wasn’t first incident where people have complained at staff attitude.  The nature of work is such that others will ask & will find out – everyone knows everything about everyone that since communications is such a vital part of work if I am so bad I will be sacked soon I’m just really worried about it.

The next eMail from boss was he will soon be advertising some new posts at work & does anyone want to change their hours - I feel like saying just sack me now it will be quicker than a constructive dismissal

Was really unhappy about it next shift at work most of the staff asked how I was feeling as I was just so quiet - I haven't told anyone about the complaint and being sent on the course. 

This was just how I felt at the time, now a few days later I have calmed down a bit, I have told a few colleagues at work – well 3 people so everyone will know now, some just laughed at the suggestion that I have poor communications.  I have no objections to going on the course, just upset that the course and the reason for being sent on it recorded on my personal record.  Depends how I feel – I may appeal against it being recorded on my record.

I’ll just remember to Chill and be calm and professional at work

Sleep... too much .. wrong time .....

Not sleeping at night - so instead I fall asleep at 5am, then wake at lunchtime- feel terrible that slept so long, so just go back to sleep till late afternoon.

Then realise that I've wasted the day so try and do something, but feel depressed so don't do anything, go back to sleep, wake at midnight and so the sleep cycle begins again.  It is not helping my depression, just making me more and more irritable and lethargic which is not very good or healthy.  As I’m not in a normal sleep pattern I’m not eating properly, can’t be bothered to go to the gym not seeing friends or family either so just in a never ending cycle of depression.

So one week off work and most of it awake at night, sleeping during the day.  Back on night shift this week, that should cure me as I'll stay up on the day off so will be tired enough to sleep all night.  Have to do something as it is just making me worse, uncaring & unsympathetic.  May have to create a star chart to ensure I do something every day !!

It may just help to be to learn to chill !!

Love life - if you can call it that ha ha ha

Just amended this blog to point out from the offset that I’m NOT on Twitter to find a someone – see BLOG NOR am I desperate for a bloke, 

Not sure if I'll ever post this blog as it is a bit more personal that usual but will write it any way!

Let me just start by saying I'm straight, not a weirdo, not a nun, but not promiscuous either, I've had three long term relationships (five years or more) with long periods being single in between.  It is less than a year since last & I split up - he ended it but it was more like mutual agreement than breaking my heart.  This is NOT the place to discuss my relationships and/or why they have failed EVER.

I'm NOT desperate for a fella, please don't think that as I enjoy the freedom of being single but at times it would be nice just to go out for a meal, watch the cricket with someone.  I was thinking about this as I was swimming at the gym earlier in the week - have to think about something whilst swimming 20 lengths. See just going to the gym with someone would be nice.

Anyway as I was saying whilst swimming it hit me that although I have thought myself in love with two of the three guys I've had long term relationships, only one of the three ever was in love with me.  I know I was stupid to stay with someone who doesn't love me but I did.  I think I would like to meet someone who will love me just for being me.

That is where the difficulty arises, how do you meet someone - work is not an option either too young - don't want someone much younger than me, don't do with married men - or anyone in a relationship.  I accept people for who they appear on twitter and don’t care about their age, being single, gender sexuality etc but if I was to start a relationship then I do care.  So where next, Facebook? Twitter?

How do I over come

• Appearing desperate and only on Twitter to find a fella – see BLOG to realise that is not true
• How can one have fun without giving out the wrong signals
• How to give out the right signals
• My paranoia that those online are who they say
• How do you know who you talk to is genuine – truthful about their age, being single, gender sexuality etc?
• How do you learn all about someone whilst being genuine about myself
• Does mentioning my past mean overburdening a casual acquaintance with my baggage
• How can I tell someone I am genuine and want to help with their baggage
• How not to misinterpret friendship for more
• How not to give the impression of wanting more

Someone - sorry can’t remember who – recently tweeted

Everyone comes with baggage from previous relationships.....but who is willing to love you enough to stand there & help you unpack

The difficulty is finding the person to help you unpack who hasn’t been put off by the size of the baggage!

Sorry this has blog is bit longer than usual, and more waffley but it’s MY blog so I can put what I want after all it is similar to an online public diary.

Meanwhile I’ll just learn to chill

So what has helped - daughter

I have previously mentioned my daughter in my first blog and again in bad day yuuuuk  She has been extremely caring and concerned about me, I think she has taken on checking on me and due to my depression she needs to do it too much - not too many phones call to talk but having to look after me.


If it wasn't for her I don't think I would be here as when I'm feeling my lowest it is only the thought of her that keeps me going.  We sometimes argue - who doesn't but for the majority of the time we are great friends.

I often feel that I am letting her down because I'm depressed and have panic attacks, but I am taking the tablets and try to overcome my depression and the panic attacks are becoming less frequent.

She is very good at cheering me up - dragging me out or just saying the right thing at the right time.  I'd had a terrible shift at work; customer swearing at me and I felt lousy because of it.  On way home I called daughter and told her about the shift, her first question to me was

"Well what did you do to them, no one just starts swearing at you for no reason, so now tell me what did you say"

It was what I used to say when she was little and telling tales on someone.  It just cheered me up instantly lifting my mood.  She has even turned up with food parcel and home made "ready meals" to ensure I eat properly  Daughter is an excellent cook - her roast dinners and banana cake are brilliant :)


All just help me learn to chill !!

So what has helped - Twitter

As previously mentioned in My first blog Twitter has helped me with my cope with depression. As I have no RL friends on Twitter it is easier to be myself, not a work colleague, mum, mate etc, just me. I have met some lovely people - had some tweets that I would love to be able to delete - mostly junk but on the whole they have been a great boost to my self-confidence.

Although I've been on Twitter for some time I really only started using it in November 2010 when the ashes started. I learnt about hashtags & found #ashes, so I commented, then replied to a few others, before long I'd gained a few followers and it has snow balled from there.

When someone tweets they have had bad news or are feeling down or have had an accident, visit to Drs etc I try to ask if they are OK. I am genuinely concerned, I know from experience that it may be lonely having bad news or bad things happen.

I made a comment one day asking if someone was OK after a tweet about a car accident - fortunately it was only a minor bump & they were OK, next thing I know they tweet:

if you dont already follow @pami42 and <another> both lovely and genuine people. not many around these days

I was having a particularly bad day when that was tweeted, so it was a wonderful boost to my confidence. Other people have described my as

lovely

on their #ff (follow fridays) recommendations.

As a result of this blog and me asking others how they are, I have found out that there are a lot of depressed people around, some of the comments include

• I was brave for admitting it on a blog
• using this blog as a form of therapy - it is 
• discussions on medications on
• never told others how they feel before 
• told me their personal stories

I have felt humbled, normal & very honoured being told other's story and have come to the conclusion that Twitter, like life, is full of all types of people with all sorts of opinions, physical & mental health problems. 

I then started to question if Twitter attracts those with self esteem and low confidence issues to it as a form of escape, but quickly came to the conclusion that is doesn't matter and just to accept everyone for who they are on Twitter not what they are. There are sports fans of various sports and teams both national & international, people from different parts of the world, even other archers fans.

So I accept what I'm told at face value, I discuss imaginary elephants publicly whilst privately talk to others about various types of depression and low self-esteem. All of which is helping me to

Learn to Chill !!


Been recommended as a #FF with the following description, don't normally retweet, but at the end of a stressful week this was wonderful, which was then commented on and from the original post several others followed to boost my confidence

 #FF a Twitter angel, caring, selfless & wonderful. She personifies the best of humanity

you are a lovely twitter friend, who always cares for others. You deserve all the praise you get. xxx

That we have, It's something you're going to have to put up with, knowing that we're out here & appreciate you for who you are!

Cloak of Despair

Sometimes on my bad days a little comment or action makes me feel terrible.  It feels as if I am wrapped snugly in a cloak of despair which after a while becomes like a warm bed on a cold morning, not wanting to move the covers and be faced with an icy blast from the cold room air.

The way out of the depression does not have a nagging alarm clock forcing me to leap of the bed to switch it off.  Instead it is hard work to find a way to dislodge the comfort of the cloak.  It is not a conscious decision at the time, but looking back on the episode it does seem something so little that sparks such a large reaction

It occasionally can be another comment that lifts the cloak, more often than not it lingers until the next day.  I am learning to try to stop the cloak wrapping around and engulfing me, or at least reduce the time of feeling terrible.

Just having to say CHILL as I'm still learning to chill  !!

bad day at work

Terrible day at work, started badly and just went downhill from then.

Had to do three things at once, no supplies, then felt as if I was being told off by my manager and I started to panic.

I just kept saying CHILL to calm me down and to stop the panic feelings turning into a panic attack.

I was described by customer as a "sh*t" to a colleague, who then told me.  I didn't need to know that I knew what I'd said had been taken the wrong way.

The positive thing was I did NOT have a panic attack and managed to control the feelings of doom and gloom which was good.

Just kept saying CHILL as silly as it sounds really did help this time

chilling at work

I am being laughed at by my colleagues in a good way that just adds to me being eccentric.  
Instead of stressing over little things I now just say 

Chill

Instead of eating cakes, chocolates, biscuits or other such really really nice things I have been heard to say

they are the work of the devil just making my hips fat

being laughed with instead of laughed help with my self esteem, it is still a mixture of good and bad days but the days of utter despair are thankfully reducing 

Slight over reaction ??

My work roster is complied and published electronically - but as any computer programmer knows - 

Computers don't make mistakes people do

but we mustn't complain about the roster as it is unprofessional and is taken as a person insult to those completing the roster.   Apparently I'm not going to another location to work - the computer has made a mistake so I have been upset for no reason at all....

I'm not fuming about this, just learning to chill 

Bad day Yuuuuk

Today is a bad day but since this is an all inclusive blog then I'm not going to spare the details.  I can not remember what comment triggered a terrible reaction and deep sense of self loathing, I just know how I felt.  I had a row, and went off, I knew I wanted to do something bad to myself - not sure what but I didn't trust myself to go home.

Instead I went to the local shopping centre to wander round and have a coffee.  I walked around feeling closed in, cold, very very very low not wanting to be here, had started to make a plan, but knew I shouldn't so news paper and coffee it was.  After a while the despair I felt closing in on me started to relax a bit, the paper was full of doom and gloom with a bit of celebrity gossip thrown in.  I was still feeling very very low and down but began to think about the daughter and what effect my actions would have on her.
I went home, to veg out in front of the TV -  daughter rang, to check up on me - she does that a lot - probably bit too much.  She sang an silly song to me to cheer me up which has worked.  I've written this but not sure whether to post or not.

Few days later.....
I've decided to post this - it's my blog and I can post what I want when I want - so good days and bad days will be mentioned.

Feeling déjà vu

Having returned to work after two weeks I had my appointment with the occupational health - bit late really but had to be done, they are recommending I work mostly nights as I'm still not sleeping.

The roster for the next few weeks is out, next's weeks shifts have been changed - I'm being sent to another site again.  I'm dreading it as that was what tipped me over the edge last time.  Those doing the roster just don't care, they just want the shifts covered.  I've an extra two shifts on the roster as well.

Must go into work and just say CHILL.  

Not easy but I'm Learning to Chill !! 

Background info on how it all started - or what tipped me over the edge

No death in the family or anything like that, just a crazy remark that sparked a whole series of events which although the cause is not the subject of this blog.

Things were hard, but I was coping, even if I was not sleeping.  I was so worried about not sleeping that I wasn't sleeping - two hours sleep then a 13 hour shift was not much fun.  Everyone had had to fill in a skills list, another name of re-applying for own job, to be scored, not based on ability but on sickness time, courses attended etc.  I was convinced that I would not have a job in my department and the date when we would find out was put further and further back.

The only thing stable in my life was work, even managed to do a bit of overtime all be it night shift.  Then one morning was told by my boss I was being transferred to another site for 6 weeks - and it was tough that I didn't have transport I just had to go.  It sounds pathetic I know but if he had said - Pam it will be good for your career development or sold it to me a bit better - gain further experience etc etc then it might not have been the final straw.  I had a bit of a reprieve as a colleague was off sick so I was to stay where I was for an extra two weeks.

However, when a friend asked how I was I said "well I daren't go to my GP as he will sign me off work" which I didn't want as it would go against me whilst HR was working out who would be re-deployed - everyone was in the same situation.  Things came to a head when I shouted at my daughter for miss-understanding a joke.  

She dragged me to the doctors to make an appointment, then turned up the next morning to ensure I attended the doctors.  The Dr asked me a serious of questions and as stupid as this sounds now until then I had not realised just how depressed I was, I answered "all of the time" for everyone.

I had been going home from work and just wishing I was dead.  I knew I wasn't going to do anything stupid as I did not want to hurt my daughter, but if I was run over then I would care

I am much better than I was then but still have down days, but I'm Learning to Chill and not be stressed or so depressed

My first blog ....

This is my first blog, not sure how it will be but here goes!  I've not been well, had what the Dr has described as Severe Depression, but I'm now taking Happy Pills and not as Severe Depression, just depression.  So what has helped

• Twitter
• I know no-one on my twitter account in real life (RL) but I have gained followers who have been very kind, helpful and considerate
• Work Colleagues
• Some of my colleagues have been very supportive and said really great things to lift my mood without them realising it
• Acceptance
• Learning to accept how things are and I can't change things
• Chill
• my new favourite expression is "CHILL"  linked to the acceptance of things I can't change.  No more ranting, just say CHILL instead
• Daughter
• My wonderful daughter is forever finding ways to cheer me up and not let me wallow in self pity, but to try and find ways for me to be less stressed
• Art Acadamy for DS
• I'm learning to draw/paint with the DS which is relaxing, and as it is electronic, I'm able to keep trying and trying without wasting paper, paint etc

Well that's it for now, will keep adding and will be honest about how I feel