Cloak of Despair

Sometimes on my bad days a little comment or action makes me feel terrible.  It feels as if I am wrapped snugly in a cloak of despair which after a while becomes like a warm bed on a cold morning, not wanting to move the covers and be faced with an icy blast from the cold room air.

The way out of the depression does not have a nagging alarm clock forcing me to leap of the bed to switch it off.  Instead it is hard work to find a way to dislodge the comfort of the cloak.  It is not a conscious decision at the time, but looking back on the episode it does seem something so little that sparks such a large reaction

It occasionally can be another comment that lifts the cloak, more often than not it lingers until the next day.  I am learning to try to stop the cloak wrapping around and engulfing me, or at least reduce the time of feeling terrible.

Just having to say CHILL as I'm still learning to chill  !!

bad day at work

Terrible day at work, started badly and just went downhill from then.

Had to do three things at once, no supplies, then felt as if I was being told off by my manager and I started to panic.

I just kept saying CHILL to calm me down and to stop the panic feelings turning into a panic attack.

I was described by customer as a "sh*t" to a colleague, who then told me.  I didn't need to know that I knew what I'd said had been taken the wrong way.

The positive thing was I did NOT have a panic attack and managed to control the feelings of doom and gloom which was good.

Just kept saying CHILL as silly as it sounds really did help this time

chilling at work

I am being laughed at by my colleagues in a good way that just adds to me being eccentric.  
Instead of stressing over little things I now just say 

Chill

Instead of eating cakes, chocolates, biscuits or other such really really nice things I have been heard to say

they are the work of the devil just making my hips fat

being laughed with instead of laughed help with my self esteem, it is still a mixture of good and bad days but the days of utter despair are thankfully reducing 

Slight over reaction ??

My work roster is complied and published electronically - but as any computer programmer knows - 

Computers don't make mistakes people do

but we mustn't complain about the roster as it is unprofessional and is taken as a person insult to those completing the roster.   Apparently I'm not going to another location to work - the computer has made a mistake so I have been upset for no reason at all....

I'm not fuming about this, just learning to chill 

Bad day Yuuuuk

Today is a bad day but since this is an all inclusive blog then I'm not going to spare the details.  I can not remember what comment triggered a terrible reaction and deep sense of self loathing, I just know how I felt.  I had a row, and went off, I knew I wanted to do something bad to myself - not sure what but I didn't trust myself to go home.

Instead I went to the local shopping centre to wander round and have a coffee.  I walked around feeling closed in, cold, very very very low not wanting to be here, had started to make a plan, but knew I shouldn't so news paper and coffee it was.  After a while the despair I felt closing in on me started to relax a bit, the paper was full of doom and gloom with a bit of celebrity gossip thrown in.  I was still feeling very very low and down but began to think about the daughter and what effect my actions would have on her.
I went home, to veg out in front of the TV -  daughter rang, to check up on me - she does that a lot - probably bit too much.  She sang an silly song to me to cheer me up which has worked.  I've written this but not sure whether to post or not.

Few days later.....
I've decided to post this - it's my blog and I can post what I want when I want - so good days and bad days will be mentioned.

Feeling déjà vu

Having returned to work after two weeks I had my appointment with the occupational health - bit late really but had to be done, they are recommending I work mostly nights as I'm still not sleeping.

The roster for the next few weeks is out, next's weeks shifts have been changed - I'm being sent to another site again.  I'm dreading it as that was what tipped me over the edge last time.  Those doing the roster just don't care, they just want the shifts covered.  I've an extra two shifts on the roster as well.

Must go into work and just say CHILL.  

Not easy but I'm Learning to Chill !! 

Background info on how it all started - or what tipped me over the edge

No death in the family or anything like that, just a crazy remark that sparked a whole series of events which although the cause is not the subject of this blog.

Things were hard, but I was coping, even if I was not sleeping.  I was so worried about not sleeping that I wasn't sleeping - two hours sleep then a 13 hour shift was not much fun.  Everyone had had to fill in a skills list, another name of re-applying for own job, to be scored, not based on ability but on sickness time, courses attended etc.  I was convinced that I would not have a job in my department and the date when we would find out was put further and further back.

The only thing stable in my life was work, even managed to do a bit of overtime all be it night shift.  Then one morning was told by my boss I was being transferred to another site for 6 weeks - and it was tough that I didn't have transport I just had to go.  It sounds pathetic I know but if he had said - Pam it will be good for your career development or sold it to me a bit better - gain further experience etc etc then it might not have been the final straw.  I had a bit of a reprieve as a colleague was off sick so I was to stay where I was for an extra two weeks.

However, when a friend asked how I was I said "well I daren't go to my GP as he will sign me off work" which I didn't want as it would go against me whilst HR was working out who would be re-deployed - everyone was in the same situation.  Things came to a head when I shouted at my daughter for miss-understanding a joke.  

She dragged me to the doctors to make an appointment, then turned up the next morning to ensure I attended the doctors.  The Dr asked me a serious of questions and as stupid as this sounds now until then I had not realised just how depressed I was, I answered "all of the time" for everyone.

I had been going home from work and just wishing I was dead.  I knew I wasn't going to do anything stupid as I did not want to hurt my daughter, but if I was run over then I would care

I am much better than I was then but still have down days, but I'm Learning to Chill and not be stressed or so depressed

My first blog ....

This is my first blog, not sure how it will be but here goes!  I've not been well, had what the Dr has described as Severe Depression, but I'm now taking Happy Pills and not as Severe Depression, just depression.  So what has helped

• Twitter
• I know no-one on my twitter account in real life (RL) but I have gained followers who have been very kind, helpful and considerate
• Work Colleagues
• Some of my colleagues have been very supportive and said really great things to lift my mood without them realising it
• Acceptance
• Learning to accept how things are and I can't change things
• Chill
• my new favourite expression is "CHILL"  linked to the acceptance of things I can't change.  No more ranting, just say CHILL instead
• Daughter
• My wonderful daughter is forever finding ways to cheer me up and not let me wallow in self pity, but to try and find ways for me to be less stressed
• Art Acadamy for DS
• I'm learning to draw/paint with the DS which is relaxing, and as it is electronic, I'm able to keep trying and trying without wasting paper, paint etc

Well that's it for now, will keep adding and will be honest about how I feel