The Long Goodbye

This is a slightly different blog posting, but since it’s MY blog there are no rules as to what I may post!

The long goodbye of this post’s title relates to an episode of the West Wing – I loved that series I have the DVDs of all seven series.  I digress The Long Goodbye relates to one of the main character’s father who has Alzheimer's Disease and how the condition is like a long goodbye as the person deteriorates slowly Dementia but quicker with Alzheimer.

I recently went to visit a friend Harriet* who lives in a residential home because she has Alzheimer.  I had last visited just at the beginning of December 2012.  

When I arrived this week (May 2013), Harriet knew who I was and when she lost her their train of thought mid sentence would become frustrated as she is fully aware it is because of the Dementia.  At first the conversation was “normal” but I quickly realised it was not completely “normal.”

Harriet took off her necklace asking me if I could see her nail varnish, I could not see the connection between the necklace and the nail varnish.  Her nail varnish which used to be maintained with a great pride was chipped and flaking off, according the “weekly activity notice board” the nail technician was due to visit in 2 days time.  I was asked several times if I could see her nail varnish, she even asked me how I could make it look better, when I explained it had to be removed then re-applied Harriet was completely amazed by this concept.

When I had first arrived Harriet was sitting in one of the communal area of the home, the residential home is clean and does not smell of “old people,” daily activities are arranged and all the staff I saw were polite, kind and obviously knew all the residents well.  

After finishing her drink, Harriet and I went to her room where she proceeded to “tidy” things away, moving them from place to place.  It was in her room Harriet’s confusion was much more evident, her shoes live in a very prominent tub next to her chair.  After moving a few things on the bed, she turned around and was amazed to find she owned several shoes, changing out of her pair of shoes to put on an odd pair of tow left foot black shoes.  After prompting Harriet did manage to put on a pair of shoes.

After tea Harriet’s confusion was even worse, she did not know me at all.  When Harriet asked me my name I said 

“Pam” 

her response was 

“I know a Pam, how odd to meet two Pams in the same day.”  

The conversation became more difficult to follow before I realised she was talking about her own childhood at the same time as talking about her in-laws.  The saddest thing was when she started talking to the chest of drawers thinking it was her parents, even knocking on the drawer to inform them she was leaving the room.

The progressive deterioration of the disease was evident as the afternoon went on, but I’m guess if I was to visit again tomorrow she would know who I was but slowly deteriorate during the visit, which is a symbolic representation of the disease itself.  I know it will only become worse and the essence of Harriet, the part which made her Harriet was only visible in glimpses today, I guess but next week a little bit more will have gone as she slowly says goodbye over a long period of time

At least with depression there is a chance to recover, unlike Harriet and her dementia, I’m so glad I am feeling better as I need to live each day as much as I possible since you never know what the future holds.

Acceptance

I have neglected by blog for far to long.  I have found the past two years extremely difficult but I now need to accept things have changed & it's time to move on.  

I've been very low and feeling sorry for myself again I need to pull myself together I know this is easier said than done

I was recently told to 

• stop feeling sorry for myself 

• stop missing what I don't have 

• start enjoying what I actually have

This made me realise that I've been feeling so low and hiding away from what I have.  So since then I've been trying to focus on positives

Work has been difficult I've reapplied for my own job three times in two years and there will be a fourth time in the next year or so but at least I have a job!  My hours have been changed 30 minutes less each day means I now have to work an extra day every 8 weeks, but we never finish on time as it is so it will be an extra day a month for no extra pay, but at least I still have a job!

The trigger which I'm not discussing has not changed I did meet up with a few of those who I had fallen out with, I'm glad I did as it showed I've made the correct decision not to continue to have contact with them.  Very easy to write not so easy to accept.  

I've recently had a Big birthday  one that ends in a 0 so as I start a new Decade I have a new attitude - accept what I have not look back to what is missing.

I have an excellent daughter who is caring and loving, who spoilt me rotten for my birthday, kidnapped me, if you can call being taken to London for a surprise trip away a kidnapping - then arranged a full itinerary for the two days including tickets to the view from the shard for my birthday present.

I have been mentioned in the acknowledgement of a book thanking me for help - all I've done is send a few tweets and facebook messages to the author Michelle Betham and comment on her blog.  I found this to be soooo exciting as I love reading but to be mentioned was just so thrilling

So I'm counting my blessings 

• I have an excellent daughter  

• A brilliant birthday 

• I have a job 

• I love cricket 

• Mentioned in the acknowledgement of a book Striker by Michelle Betham

• I am only friends with those I want to be with 

 As  my I have a new mug says I need to 

• Shut up and deal with it ......

Just not on my blog since I tell you how I'm feeling which is a lot more chilled :) 

Pam xoxo

So what has helped - Other People’s Blogs

Through Twitter, I have followed links to other people’s blogs and daily papers.  Some I have read but not looked at again, others I have ‘Followed’ some I just lurk and look periodically.

A couple of blogs have affected me by their writing

1                     Poems and their stories  -  A selection of poems by Kirsten Shaw

2                     Me and my shadow  -  earl of bootyopia

I am not usually a fan of poetry, but Kirsten’s poems are easy to understand and often contain an explanation of the meaning or why they have been written.  I find it easy to relate to the pain and loneliness in some of her poems.  They make me realise that I am not alone in feeling loss.

The other blog, on depression has really affected me.  I wondered why it had affected me so much.  I think it was because I could relate to most of what had been written and maybe I had been depressed for much longer that I thought.  I have always felt I am not as good as my siblings, colleagues, friends and my best is never enough. 

I recently tweeted about losing followers on twitter I said that if I was unfollowed it was because they found me uninteresting.  Some lovely people told me I was talking rubbish, but I felt I was just being honest, not false modestly or looking for a compliment from others, but because that is how I genuinely feel.

After reading Earl of Bootyopia’s blog I decided that it was about time I posted the forms off for some counselling, I had been thinking about it for a while, especially after going to one of the Time For Change Roadshows.  So I sent off the form, and now two weeks later I have an appointment for tomorrow with a counsellor.  Not sure what to expect, but I shall see what happens as I’m going with an open mind - albeit a poorly mind !

It all helps to learn to chill and relax and be less stressed, so thank you to all the bloggers out there, you never know who is reading and you never know you may be helping them.

Thank you

ps - please tick the reactions box !  thanks

Update - been for my first counselling session, the counsellor was lovely, didn't make me feel an idiot or stupid and am going back next week 

Catalyst over

As previously mentioned the catalyst that sparked my depression was not a death in the family or anything like that, just a crazy remark that sparked a whole series of events which although the cause is not the subject of this blog.

The events that were related to the crazy remark are now resolved – good I hear you say everything will be back to normal – No it is not, as there are knock on effects that I have to deal with, again these events are not the subject of this blog.

It is how I will cope from here on in.  I need to re evaluate things and how I am going to be going forward.  One of those initially involved eMailed me – so not rushing in I am thinking of an appropriate response – initial reaction was ‘go away’ or words to that effect!  Meanwhile they have sent a message via facebook thinking I have not received the original eMail.  They are obviously so arrogant to think that I have not replied because I have not received the eMail rather than I am not sure if I want to contacted them again!

Still the dilemma remains – do I want to make contact with them again or not – we had all been close friends for a long time before this started.  I am still pondering if I want to contact them or no, although the eMail makes clear only one of the group does want to make contact with me – ironically, it is not the sender but I would have to go through them.

I had been feeling quite good about things, but this has upset me again, so I whilst I ponder I will just continue to CHILL!

Why Oh Why Do I Let Myself Feel Down

Why Oh Why Do I Let Myself Feel Down

If a comment may be taken the wrong way, I do so.  Not everyone is out to attack me or knock my confidence constantly, easy to type not easy to believe.  I’m NOT paranoid just take things very personally.

Let me explain  

• When told I was being sent on a communications course became convinced it was a personal vendetta, against me, now have settled down and realise that it was not a personal attack, just coincidence that with 24 hours there were two customer complaints made about me – see Upsetting Communications

•  When asked to swap shift, I am always happy to swap for others, but very rarely am I able to find anyone who will swap with me, it is usually because those who would swap are unable to due to their shifts.   

• Little things will wind me up, and then it takes a long time to settle down, at work, I just say "I am worked up and trying to chill", unfortunately at home, I end up shouting at the daughter.  I should not shout at her or let her be the focus of my stress as it is not fair on her especially as daughter she has been a big help

Having described the problem, I’m no nearer to finding a solution as to stopping becoming so wound up but I realise that I DO need to do something so I can CHILL and relax more and not take things so personally.

Love life - if you can call it that ha ha ha

Just amended this blog to point out from the offset that I’m NOT on Twitter to find a someone – see BLOG NOR am I desperate for a bloke, 

Not sure if I'll ever post this blog as it is a bit more personal that usual but will write it any way!

Let me just start by saying I'm straight, not a weirdo, not a nun, but not promiscuous either, I've had three long term relationships (five years or more) with long periods being single in between.  It is less than a year since last & I split up - he ended it but it was more like mutual agreement than breaking my heart.  This is NOT the place to discuss my relationships and/or why they have failed EVER.

I'm NOT desperate for a fella, please don't think that as I enjoy the freedom of being single but at times it would be nice just to go out for a meal, watch the cricket with someone.  I was thinking about this as I was swimming at the gym earlier in the week - have to think about something whilst swimming 20 lengths. See just going to the gym with someone would be nice.

Anyway as I was saying whilst swimming it hit me that although I have thought myself in love with two of the three guys I've had long term relationships, only one of the three ever was in love with me.  I know I was stupid to stay with someone who doesn't love me but I did.  I think I would like to meet someone who will love me just for being me.

That is where the difficulty arises, how do you meet someone - work is not an option either too young - don't want someone much younger than me, don't do with married men - or anyone in a relationship.  I accept people for who they appear on twitter and don’t care about their age, being single, gender sexuality etc but if I was to start a relationship then I do care.  So where next, Facebook? Twitter?

How do I over come

• Appearing desperate and only on Twitter to find a fella – see BLOG to realise that is not true
• How can one have fun without giving out the wrong signals
• How to give out the right signals
• My paranoia that those online are who they say
• How do you know who you talk to is genuine – truthful about their age, being single, gender sexuality etc?
• How do you learn all about someone whilst being genuine about myself
• Does mentioning my past mean overburdening a casual acquaintance with my baggage
• How can I tell someone I am genuine and want to help with their baggage
• How not to misinterpret friendship for more
• How not to give the impression of wanting more

Someone - sorry can’t remember who – recently tweeted

Everyone comes with baggage from previous relationships.....but who is willing to love you enough to stand there & help you unpack

The difficulty is finding the person to help you unpack who hasn’t been put off by the size of the baggage!

Sorry this has blog is bit longer than usual, and more waffley but it’s MY blog so I can put what I want after all it is similar to an online public diary.

Meanwhile I’ll just learn to chill

My first blog ....

This is my first blog, not sure how it will be but here goes!  I've not been well, had what the Dr has described as Severe Depression, but I'm now taking Happy Pills and not as Severe Depression, just depression.  So what has helped

• Twitter
• I know no-one on my twitter account in real life (RL) but I have gained followers who have been very kind, helpful and considerate
• Work Colleagues
• Some of my colleagues have been very supportive and said really great things to lift my mood without them realising it
• Acceptance
• Learning to accept how things are and I can't change things
• Chill
• my new favourite expression is "CHILL"  linked to the acceptance of things I can't change.  No more ranting, just say CHILL instead
• Daughter
• My wonderful daughter is forever finding ways to cheer me up and not let me wallow in self pity, but to try and find ways for me to be less stressed
• Art Acadamy for DS
• I'm learning to draw/paint with the DS which is relaxing, and as it is electronic, I'm able to keep trying and trying without wasting paper, paint etc

Well that's it for now, will keep adding and will be honest about how I feel