Kindle and eBooks

I was bought Kindle for Christmas, complete with screen protector, cover and light.  I LOVE it, it goes everywhere with me, I just throw it in my bag and off I go, no more hulking great books with me or choosing a handbag based on the size of a book.  I can still read in the bath as my kindle fits into a ziplock bag to keep it dry!

I have a kindle and use Amazon as I asked twitter for advice and kindle was the overwhelming recommendation.  I have downloaded books from Amazon both expensive and free, some mistakes have been made, but found out that if downloaded in error I could return to Amazon for a full refund – I clicked buy instead of sample and having read the sample really didn’t want to buy it.

Friends are divided between kindles are:

the best thing since sliced bread

or

the work of the devil and will be the death of books

However, I have read more books this year than I’ve done for years, both established and independent authors

I have a real mixture of books on my kindle from classics, thrillers, factual, autobiographies to chick lit/romances, although it could be argued that Jane Austen was the first chick lit/romance author but she is now considered a classic author.  I have downloaded books from authors I have tweeted with and even tweeted with authors of books I’ve downloaded.

I am currently trying to read Victor Hugo’s Les Misérables – this is hard work, but since Russell Crowe will be in a new film adaptation of Les Mis I want to read the book first.  There is debate about whether one should only read classic and not the so called ‘Trashy’ chick lit romance novels, but when I can’t sleep at 3am I don’t want to be concentrating on a novel I just want something easy to read, with a happy ever after at the end.  Insomnia is bad enough at the best of times without having to make your brain work hard concentration on a book or reading a weepy.  

As usual I have more than one book on the go at once, a friend has recommended EL James' Fifty Shade of Grey 

you must read it we’re ALL reading it even though it is VERY racy

I know this has had some terrible reviews on Amazon, but the last book this friend recommended was good so I will read it – it’s nearly as hard work as Les Mis but so was Wuthering Heights and that is a lovely story.  Oh I'm not comparing EL James to Victor Hugo or Emily Brontë!

I've read Lisette Brodey's books after I followed her on Twitter, Crooked Moon was a lovely read and not what I was expecting, so will have to down load another of her books next.

I read Michelle Bethan’s No Matter What – it was on offer and free when I downloaded and just loved this book.  Not sure why maybe I could related in various ways to India the main character, - no I’m not a famous Hollywood actress with a fabulous lifestyle - but just on the personal level even though I’ve not been through what India has.  The character made me think about things and in the same way I fell in love with Jane Austen’s Anne Elliot, Mr Darcy, Captain Wentworth, I fell in love with India Stevens.  I have since purchased and read Michelle Betham's other books which I enjoyed just not in the same way.  I even follow Michelle on twitter although she probably thinks me some weird stalker fan – those who know me on here and twitter will (hopefully) know I’m not a weido or stalker just a friendly person trying to brighten up the day and encourage others.

So I will return to my kindle and Les Mis hopefully I will finish it before the film is released although Lisette Brodey's Molly Hacker is Too Picky is calling me and Michelle Bethan is editing her next book so maybe just maybe I will not have time to finish Les Mis, thank you to all the various authors, please keep your imaginations working creating lovely stories, mysteries crimes to draw me into various situations I would never go to otherwise.  

All this reading is helping me to Chill more and be so much less stressed or depressed


epilogue !!


read all three shades of grey books - found out the friend hadn't read it before recommending it to me didn't even finish book one - they are badly written very predictable even.  I had written this before hearing all the hype about these books.  I'm glad I read them, but there are so many better books around.

Counselling

I had the form for the counselling services for some months before I posted it off.  The time felt right for me to start addressing some of my issues.

I had a phone message left giving me choices of a few dates/times.  I accepted one and then blogged I was going for counselling, I was quite nervous and I had a few very positive and encouraging comments about the benefits of counselling.

I nervously attended the first session,  The counsellor whom I’ll call Katie was lovely, she explained how the service work and asked about the initial catalyst that had caused the severe depression and my childhood and my so called love life and other details of my life.  I left after the hour rushed by I felt very positive about having started some counselling.

The second session with Katie she asked me some questions base on what I had initially told her last week.  This session was spent mostly on my childhood; she made some comments about my parents/grandparent, which I became very defensive about, however, have spent some time thinking about what was said, I agreed with her.  Some things said to me when I was young, were unkind, hurtful, and should not have been said to a child.  I need to start looking after myself, let others look after themselves.

Just returned from my third session.  I’m going to write a letter, which will probably never be sent but might make me feel better.  I need to remember I am an adult and not a child about to be told off; I need to recognise the feelings and learn not to react child like but to remain in control of the situation. 

She suggested ways to enable me to sleep prior to a day shift.  My biggest fear is that I will sleep in, so instead of sleeping I spend most of the night worrying that I’ll sleep through the alarm.  New ways of waking up are needed, instead of just relying on one alarm clock think of other ways.  This has helped and I’ve worked three day shifts without sleeping in and have slept for at least 7 hours.

Fourth session was did I write the letter – I did but haven’t sent it – not going to send it but it made me feel better.

The rest of the sessions became a bit more personal which I’m sure you will understand that I don’t want to share with my blog.  I had a total of 8 sessions.  Most of the time I feel OK but I still have some bad days.  Whilst having CBT my GP told me, it would be better if I were not taking anti depressants at the same time I did feel OK at the time.

Other things have happened and I can feel my self sinking back into depression again so I may have to go back to the Dr for some anti-depressants.  Not having been on twitter for a while due to looking after daughter has not helped as I used twitter to help keep me sane – well not so depressed

It all helping me Learning to Chill

Sleep... too much .. wrong time .....

Not sleeping at night - so instead I fall asleep at 5am, then wake at lunchtime- feel terrible that slept so long, so just go back to sleep till late afternoon.

Then realise that I've wasted the day so try and do something, but feel depressed so don't do anything, go back to sleep, wake at midnight and so the sleep cycle begins again.  It is not helping my depression, just making me more and more irritable and lethargic which is not very good or healthy.  As I’m not in a normal sleep pattern I’m not eating properly, can’t be bothered to go to the gym not seeing friends or family either so just in a never ending cycle of depression.

So one week off work and most of it awake at night, sleeping during the day.  Back on night shift this week, that should cure me as I'll stay up on the day off so will be tired enough to sleep all night.  Have to do something as it is just making me worse, uncaring & unsympathetic.  May have to create a star chart to ensure I do something every day !!

It may just help to be to learn to chill !!

Feeling déjà vu

Having returned to work after two weeks I had my appointment with the occupational health - bit late really but had to be done, they are recommending I work mostly nights as I'm still not sleeping.

The roster for the next few weeks is out, next's weeks shifts have been changed - I'm being sent to another site again.  I'm dreading it as that was what tipped me over the edge last time.  Those doing the roster just don't care, they just want the shifts covered.  I've an extra two shifts on the roster as well.

Must go into work and just say CHILL.  

Not easy but I'm Learning to Chill !! 

Background info on how it all started - or what tipped me over the edge

No death in the family or anything like that, just a crazy remark that sparked a whole series of events which although the cause is not the subject of this blog.

Things were hard, but I was coping, even if I was not sleeping.  I was so worried about not sleeping that I wasn't sleeping - two hours sleep then a 13 hour shift was not much fun.  Everyone had had to fill in a skills list, another name of re-applying for own job, to be scored, not based on ability but on sickness time, courses attended etc.  I was convinced that I would not have a job in my department and the date when we would find out was put further and further back.

The only thing stable in my life was work, even managed to do a bit of overtime all be it night shift.  Then one morning was told by my boss I was being transferred to another site for 6 weeks - and it was tough that I didn't have transport I just had to go.  It sounds pathetic I know but if he had said - Pam it will be good for your career development or sold it to me a bit better - gain further experience etc etc then it might not have been the final straw.  I had a bit of a reprieve as a colleague was off sick so I was to stay where I was for an extra two weeks.

However, when a friend asked how I was I said "well I daren't go to my GP as he will sign me off work" which I didn't want as it would go against me whilst HR was working out who would be re-deployed - everyone was in the same situation.  Things came to a head when I shouted at my daughter for miss-understanding a joke.  

She dragged me to the doctors to make an appointment, then turned up the next morning to ensure I attended the doctors.  The Dr asked me a serious of questions and as stupid as this sounds now until then I had not realised just how depressed I was, I answered "all of the time" for everyone.

I had been going home from work and just wishing I was dead.  I knew I wasn't going to do anything stupid as I did not want to hurt my daughter, but if I was run over then I would care

I am much better than I was then but still have down days, but I'm Learning to Chill and not be stressed or so depressed