Counselling

I had the form for the counselling services for some months before I posted it off.  The time felt right for me to start addressing some of my issues.

I had a phone message left giving me choices of a few dates/times.  I accepted one and then blogged I was going for counselling, I was quite nervous and I had a few very positive and encouraging comments about the benefits of counselling.

I nervously attended the first session,  The counsellor whom I’ll call Katie was lovely, she explained how the service work and asked about the initial catalyst that had caused the severe depression and my childhood and my so called love life and other details of my life.  I left after the hour rushed by I felt very positive about having started some counselling.

The second session with Katie she asked me some questions base on what I had initially told her last week.  This session was spent mostly on my childhood; she made some comments about my parents/grandparent, which I became very defensive about, however, have spent some time thinking about what was said, I agreed with her.  Some things said to me when I was young, were unkind, hurtful, and should not have been said to a child.  I need to start looking after myself, let others look after themselves.

Just returned from my third session.  I’m going to write a letter, which will probably never be sent but might make me feel better.  I need to remember I am an adult and not a child about to be told off; I need to recognise the feelings and learn not to react child like but to remain in control of the situation. 

She suggested ways to enable me to sleep prior to a day shift.  My biggest fear is that I will sleep in, so instead of sleeping I spend most of the night worrying that I’ll sleep through the alarm.  New ways of waking up are needed, instead of just relying on one alarm clock think of other ways.  This has helped and I’ve worked three day shifts without sleeping in and have slept for at least 7 hours.

Fourth session was did I write the letter – I did but haven’t sent it – not going to send it but it made me feel better.

The rest of the sessions became a bit more personal which I’m sure you will understand that I don’t want to share with my blog.  I had a total of 8 sessions.  Most of the time I feel OK but I still have some bad days.  Whilst having CBT my GP told me, it would be better if I were not taking anti depressants at the same time I did feel OK at the time.

Other things have happened and I can feel my self sinking back into depression again so I may have to go back to the Dr for some anti-depressants.  Not having been on twitter for a while due to looking after daughter has not helped as I used twitter to help keep me sane – well not so depressed

It all helping me Learning to Chill

So what has helped - Other People’s Blogs

Through Twitter, I have followed links to other people’s blogs and daily papers.  Some I have read but not looked at again, others I have ‘Followed’ some I just lurk and look periodically.

A couple of blogs have affected me by their writing

1                     Poems and their stories  -  A selection of poems by Kirsten Shaw

2                     Me and my shadow  -  earl of bootyopia

I am not usually a fan of poetry, but Kirsten’s poems are easy to understand and often contain an explanation of the meaning or why they have been written.  I find it easy to relate to the pain and loneliness in some of her poems.  They make me realise that I am not alone in feeling loss.

The other blog, on depression has really affected me.  I wondered why it had affected me so much.  I think it was because I could relate to most of what had been written and maybe I had been depressed for much longer that I thought.  I have always felt I am not as good as my siblings, colleagues, friends and my best is never enough. 

I recently tweeted about losing followers on twitter I said that if I was unfollowed it was because they found me uninteresting.  Some lovely people told me I was talking rubbish, but I felt I was just being honest, not false modestly or looking for a compliment from others, but because that is how I genuinely feel.

After reading Earl of Bootyopia’s blog I decided that it was about time I posted the forms off for some counselling, I had been thinking about it for a while, especially after going to one of the Time For Change Roadshows.  So I sent off the form, and now two weeks later I have an appointment for tomorrow with a counsellor.  Not sure what to expect, but I shall see what happens as I’m going with an open mind - albeit a poorly mind !

It all helps to learn to chill and relax and be less stressed, so thank you to all the bloggers out there, you never know who is reading and you never know you may be helping them.

Thank you

ps - please tick the reactions box !  thanks

Update - been for my first counselling session, the counsellor was lovely, didn't make me feel an idiot or stupid and am going back next week 

So what has helped - Twitter

As previously mentioned in My first blog Twitter has helped me with my cope with depression. As I have no RL friends on Twitter it is easier to be myself, not a work colleague, mum, mate etc, just me. I have met some lovely people - had some tweets that I would love to be able to delete - mostly junk but on the whole they have been a great boost to my self-confidence.

Although I've been on Twitter for some time I really only started using it in November 2010 when the ashes started. I learnt about hashtags & found #ashes, so I commented, then replied to a few others, before long I'd gained a few followers and it has snow balled from there.

When someone tweets they have had bad news or are feeling down or have had an accident, visit to Drs etc I try to ask if they are OK. I am genuinely concerned, I know from experience that it may be lonely having bad news or bad things happen.

I made a comment one day asking if someone was OK after a tweet about a car accident - fortunately it was only a minor bump & they were OK, next thing I know they tweet:

if you dont already follow @pami42 and <another> both lovely and genuine people. not many around these days

I was having a particularly bad day when that was tweeted, so it was a wonderful boost to my confidence. Other people have described my as

lovely

on their #ff (follow fridays) recommendations.

As a result of this blog and me asking others how they are, I have found out that there are a lot of depressed people around, some of the comments include

• I was brave for admitting it on a blog
• using this blog as a form of therapy - it is 
• discussions on medications on
• never told others how they feel before 
• told me their personal stories

I have felt humbled, normal & very honoured being told other's story and have come to the conclusion that Twitter, like life, is full of all types of people with all sorts of opinions, physical & mental health problems. 

I then started to question if Twitter attracts those with self esteem and low confidence issues to it as a form of escape, but quickly came to the conclusion that is doesn't matter and just to accept everyone for who they are on Twitter not what they are. There are sports fans of various sports and teams both national & international, people from different parts of the world, even other archers fans.

So I accept what I'm told at face value, I discuss imaginary elephants publicly whilst privately talk to others about various types of depression and low self-esteem. All of which is helping me to

Learn to Chill !!


Been recommended as a #FF with the following description, don't normally retweet, but at the end of a stressful week this was wonderful, which was then commented on and from the original post several others followed to boost my confidence

 #FF a Twitter angel, caring, selfless & wonderful. She personifies the best of humanity

you are a lovely twitter friend, who always cares for others. You deserve all the praise you get. xxx

That we have, It's something you're going to have to put up with, knowing that we're out here & appreciate you for who you are!

Background info on how it all started - or what tipped me over the edge

No death in the family or anything like that, just a crazy remark that sparked a whole series of events which although the cause is not the subject of this blog.

Things were hard, but I was coping, even if I was not sleeping.  I was so worried about not sleeping that I wasn't sleeping - two hours sleep then a 13 hour shift was not much fun.  Everyone had had to fill in a skills list, another name of re-applying for own job, to be scored, not based on ability but on sickness time, courses attended etc.  I was convinced that I would not have a job in my department and the date when we would find out was put further and further back.

The only thing stable in my life was work, even managed to do a bit of overtime all be it night shift.  Then one morning was told by my boss I was being transferred to another site for 6 weeks - and it was tough that I didn't have transport I just had to go.  It sounds pathetic I know but if he had said - Pam it will be good for your career development or sold it to me a bit better - gain further experience etc etc then it might not have been the final straw.  I had a bit of a reprieve as a colleague was off sick so I was to stay where I was for an extra two weeks.

However, when a friend asked how I was I said "well I daren't go to my GP as he will sign me off work" which I didn't want as it would go against me whilst HR was working out who would be re-deployed - everyone was in the same situation.  Things came to a head when I shouted at my daughter for miss-understanding a joke.  

She dragged me to the doctors to make an appointment, then turned up the next morning to ensure I attended the doctors.  The Dr asked me a serious of questions and as stupid as this sounds now until then I had not realised just how depressed I was, I answered "all of the time" for everyone.

I had been going home from work and just wishing I was dead.  I knew I wasn't going to do anything stupid as I did not want to hurt my daughter, but if I was run over then I would care

I am much better than I was then but still have down days, but I'm Learning to Chill and not be stressed or so depressed