Why Oh Why Do I Let Myself Feel Down

Why Oh Why Do I Let Myself Feel Down

If a comment may be taken the wrong way, I do so.  Not everyone is out to attack me or knock my confidence constantly, easy to type not easy to believe.  I’m NOT paranoid just take things very personally.

Let me explain  

• When told I was being sent on a communications course became convinced it was a personal vendetta, against me, now have settled down and realise that it was not a personal attack, just coincidence that with 24 hours there were two customer complaints made about me – see Upsetting Communications

•  When asked to swap shift, I am always happy to swap for others, but very rarely am I able to find anyone who will swap with me, it is usually because those who would swap are unable to due to their shifts.   

• Little things will wind me up, and then it takes a long time to settle down, at work, I just say "I am worked up and trying to chill", unfortunately at home, I end up shouting at the daughter.  I should not shout at her or let her be the focus of my stress as it is not fair on her especially as daughter she has been a big help

Having described the problem, I’m no nearer to finding a solution as to stopping becoming so wound up but I realise that I DO need to do something so I can CHILL and relax more and not take things so personally.

Upsetting communications

I'm going on a "communication course" as there have been two complaints about me at work and possibly a third complaint made.  If my boss had communicated with me before enrolling me on the course then he may have realised that one of the complainants said they were NOT complaining about me.  The second complaint had been witnessed by another customer - what & how I had communicated with the other complainant - she had offered to speak to my boss on my behalf if there ever was a complaint made against me.

Just really upset about it especially my boss' lack of communication with me, he even asked another manager to tell me I was going on the course.  The following day an eMail is sent out about another complaint - things not done, poor communication etc etc but at the end of the eMail it stated it wasn’t first incident where people have complained at staff attitude.  The nature of work is such that others will ask & will find out – everyone knows everything about everyone that since communications is such a vital part of work if I am so bad I will be sacked soon I’m just really worried about it.

The next eMail from boss was he will soon be advertising some new posts at work & does anyone want to change their hours - I feel like saying just sack me now it will be quicker than a constructive dismissal

Was really unhappy about it next shift at work most of the staff asked how I was feeling as I was just so quiet - I haven't told anyone about the complaint and being sent on the course. 

This was just how I felt at the time, now a few days later I have calmed down a bit, I have told a few colleagues at work – well 3 people so everyone will know now, some just laughed at the suggestion that I have poor communications.  I have no objections to going on the course, just upset that the course and the reason for being sent on it recorded on my personal record.  Depends how I feel – I may appeal against it being recorded on my record.

I’ll just remember to Chill and be calm and professional at work

Bad day Yuuuuk

Today is a bad day but since this is an all inclusive blog then I'm not going to spare the details.  I can not remember what comment triggered a terrible reaction and deep sense of self loathing, I just know how I felt.  I had a row, and went off, I knew I wanted to do something bad to myself - not sure what but I didn't trust myself to go home.

Instead I went to the local shopping centre to wander round and have a coffee.  I walked around feeling closed in, cold, very very very low not wanting to be here, had started to make a plan, but knew I shouldn't so news paper and coffee it was.  After a while the despair I felt closing in on me started to relax a bit, the paper was full of doom and gloom with a bit of celebrity gossip thrown in.  I was still feeling very very low and down but began to think about the daughter and what effect my actions would have on her.
I went home, to veg out in front of the TV -  daughter rang, to check up on me - she does that a lot - probably bit too much.  She sang an silly song to me to cheer me up which has worked.  I've written this but not sure whether to post or not.

Few days later.....
I've decided to post this - it's my blog and I can post what I want when I want - so good days and bad days will be mentioned.

Background info on how it all started - or what tipped me over the edge

No death in the family or anything like that, just a crazy remark that sparked a whole series of events which although the cause is not the subject of this blog.

Things were hard, but I was coping, even if I was not sleeping.  I was so worried about not sleeping that I wasn't sleeping - two hours sleep then a 13 hour shift was not much fun.  Everyone had had to fill in a skills list, another name of re-applying for own job, to be scored, not based on ability but on sickness time, courses attended etc.  I was convinced that I would not have a job in my department and the date when we would find out was put further and further back.

The only thing stable in my life was work, even managed to do a bit of overtime all be it night shift.  Then one morning was told by my boss I was being transferred to another site for 6 weeks - and it was tough that I didn't have transport I just had to go.  It sounds pathetic I know but if he had said - Pam it will be good for your career development or sold it to me a bit better - gain further experience etc etc then it might not have been the final straw.  I had a bit of a reprieve as a colleague was off sick so I was to stay where I was for an extra two weeks.

However, when a friend asked how I was I said "well I daren't go to my GP as he will sign me off work" which I didn't want as it would go against me whilst HR was working out who would be re-deployed - everyone was in the same situation.  Things came to a head when I shouted at my daughter for miss-understanding a joke.  

She dragged me to the doctors to make an appointment, then turned up the next morning to ensure I attended the doctors.  The Dr asked me a serious of questions and as stupid as this sounds now until then I had not realised just how depressed I was, I answered "all of the time" for everyone.

I had been going home from work and just wishing I was dead.  I knew I wasn't going to do anything stupid as I did not want to hurt my daughter, but if I was run over then I would care

I am much better than I was then but still have down days, but I'm Learning to Chill and not be stressed or so depressed