I've been a poor friend ....

I have not spoken/eMailed been in touch with my friends in real life.  It is easy to keep in touch with Twitter friends but not so easy with real friends for this I am truly sorry.

It is nothing that my friends have done, just me, it is easier to think I’ll contact them tomorrow, but before you know it a month has gone by, then two, six months, a year, 18 months, so I need to rectify that.  I know I should be eMailing my friends directly instead of writing about it on my blog, but this way I am able to sort things in my head as to what I want to say.

One friend was upset that I hadn’t kept in touch, but after she had cancelled coffee twice I thought she didn’t want to know me, not that she had other appointments on those days – no excuse but since I was so low I was convinced that she didn’t want to meet me.  It is just one example of how my depression has separated my from others.

I have not even sent Christmas cards for at least two years, didn’t even bother with a tree in 2010, I usually wrote a Round Robin letter with my cards, but nothing not even an explanation let alone card or letter.  I have chatted a bit via facebook, but even then not answered messages to friends.  I was always going to do it tomorrow – but as usual tomorrow has never materialised.

It was my birthday recently, not a big one but am using it as a time to make birthday resolutions – like new year but made at my birthday not 1 January – so if I write them on here, then I will update my blog as to have I am progressing, so here is my list

    1      Contact my friends – apologise to them for not being in touch – then try and keep in touch

    2      Update my blog regularly, not just when I remember & reply to comments made – if someone has been kind enough to make a comment I should be polite enough to respond/answer their question

    3      Be more social – text my friends more

    4      Try to go out and meet others more – want to help at local cricket club as well as watching cricket

    5      I need to start thinking very positively and not thinking woe is me as it’s not healthy for me or my daughter as she is the one who is most affected by my low moods.

So filled with good intentions I am off to write some eMails and respond to comments made on earlier postings

Still learning to chill out – taking a bit longer than I had hoped 

Catalyst over

As previously mentioned the catalyst that sparked my depression was not a death in the family or anything like that, just a crazy remark that sparked a whole series of events which although the cause is not the subject of this blog.

The events that were related to the crazy remark are now resolved – good I hear you say everything will be back to normal – No it is not, as there are knock on effects that I have to deal with, again these events are not the subject of this blog.

It is how I will cope from here on in.  I need to re evaluate things and how I am going to be going forward.  One of those initially involved eMailed me – so not rushing in I am thinking of an appropriate response – initial reaction was ‘go away’ or words to that effect!  Meanwhile they have sent a message via facebook thinking I have not received the original eMail.  They are obviously so arrogant to think that I have not replied because I have not received the eMail rather than I am not sure if I want to contacted them again!

Still the dilemma remains – do I want to make contact with them again or not – we had all been close friends for a long time before this started.  I am still pondering if I want to contact them or no, although the eMail makes clear only one of the group does want to make contact with me – ironically, it is not the sender but I would have to go through them.

I had been feeling quite good about things, but this has upset me again, so I whilst I ponder I will just continue to CHILL!

So what has helped - Twitter

As previously mentioned in My first blog Twitter has helped me with my cope with depression. As I have no RL friends on Twitter it is easier to be myself, not a work colleague, mum, mate etc, just me. I have met some lovely people - had some tweets that I would love to be able to delete - mostly junk but on the whole they have been a great boost to my self-confidence.

Although I've been on Twitter for some time I really only started using it in November 2010 when the ashes started. I learnt about hashtags & found #ashes, so I commented, then replied to a few others, before long I'd gained a few followers and it has snow balled from there.

When someone tweets they have had bad news or are feeling down or have had an accident, visit to Drs etc I try to ask if they are OK. I am genuinely concerned, I know from experience that it may be lonely having bad news or bad things happen.

I made a comment one day asking if someone was OK after a tweet about a car accident - fortunately it was only a minor bump & they were OK, next thing I know they tweet:

if you dont already follow @pami42 and <another> both lovely and genuine people. not many around these days

I was having a particularly bad day when that was tweeted, so it was a wonderful boost to my confidence. Other people have described my as

lovely

on their #ff (follow fridays) recommendations.

As a result of this blog and me asking others how they are, I have found out that there are a lot of depressed people around, some of the comments include

• I was brave for admitting it on a blog
• using this blog as a form of therapy - it is 
• discussions on medications on
• never told others how they feel before 
• told me their personal stories

I have felt humbled, normal & very honoured being told other's story and have come to the conclusion that Twitter, like life, is full of all types of people with all sorts of opinions, physical & mental health problems. 

I then started to question if Twitter attracts those with self esteem and low confidence issues to it as a form of escape, but quickly came to the conclusion that is doesn't matter and just to accept everyone for who they are on Twitter not what they are. There are sports fans of various sports and teams both national & international, people from different parts of the world, even other archers fans.

So I accept what I'm told at face value, I discuss imaginary elephants publicly whilst privately talk to others about various types of depression and low self-esteem. All of which is helping me to

Learn to Chill !!


Been recommended as a #FF with the following description, don't normally retweet, but at the end of a stressful week this was wonderful, which was then commented on and from the original post several others followed to boost my confidence

 #FF a Twitter angel, caring, selfless & wonderful. She personifies the best of humanity

you are a lovely twitter friend, who always cares for others. You deserve all the praise you get. xxx

That we have, It's something you're going to have to put up with, knowing that we're out here & appreciate you for who you are!