The Long Goodbye

This is a slightly different blog posting, but since it’s MY blog there are no rules as to what I may post!

The long goodbye of this post’s title relates to an episode of the West Wing – I loved that series I have the DVDs of all seven series.  I digress The Long Goodbye relates to one of the main character’s father who has Alzheimer's Disease and how the condition is like a long goodbye as the person deteriorates slowly Dementia but quicker with Alzheimer.

I recently went to visit a friend Harriet* who lives in a residential home because she has Alzheimer.  I had last visited just at the beginning of December 2012.  

When I arrived this week (May 2013), Harriet knew who I was and when she lost her their train of thought mid sentence would become frustrated as she is fully aware it is because of the Dementia.  At first the conversation was “normal” but I quickly realised it was not completely “normal.”

Harriet took off her necklace asking me if I could see her nail varnish, I could not see the connection between the necklace and the nail varnish.  Her nail varnish which used to be maintained with a great pride was chipped and flaking off, according the “weekly activity notice board” the nail technician was due to visit in 2 days time.  I was asked several times if I could see her nail varnish, she even asked me how I could make it look better, when I explained it had to be removed then re-applied Harriet was completely amazed by this concept.

When I had first arrived Harriet was sitting in one of the communal area of the home, the residential home is clean and does not smell of “old people,” daily activities are arranged and all the staff I saw were polite, kind and obviously knew all the residents well.  

After finishing her drink, Harriet and I went to her room where she proceeded to “tidy” things away, moving them from place to place.  It was in her room Harriet’s confusion was much more evident, her shoes live in a very prominent tub next to her chair.  After moving a few things on the bed, she turned around and was amazed to find she owned several shoes, changing out of her pair of shoes to put on an odd pair of tow left foot black shoes.  After prompting Harriet did manage to put on a pair of shoes.

After tea Harriet’s confusion was even worse, she did not know me at all.  When Harriet asked me my name I said 

“Pam” 

her response was 

“I know a Pam, how odd to meet two Pams in the same day.”  

The conversation became more difficult to follow before I realised she was talking about her own childhood at the same time as talking about her in-laws.  The saddest thing was when she started talking to the chest of drawers thinking it was her parents, even knocking on the drawer to inform them she was leaving the room.

The progressive deterioration of the disease was evident as the afternoon went on, but I’m guess if I was to visit again tomorrow she would know who I was but slowly deteriorate during the visit, which is a symbolic representation of the disease itself.  I know it will only become worse and the essence of Harriet, the part which made her Harriet was only visible in glimpses today, I guess but next week a little bit more will have gone as she slowly says goodbye over a long period of time

At least with depression there is a chance to recover, unlike Harriet and her dementia, I’m so glad I am feeling better as I need to live each day as much as I possible since you never know what the future holds.

Acceptance

I have neglected by blog for far to long.  I have found the past two years extremely difficult but I now need to accept things have changed & it's time to move on.  

I've been very low and feeling sorry for myself again I need to pull myself together I know this is easier said than done

I was recently told to 

• stop feeling sorry for myself 

• stop missing what I don't have 

• start enjoying what I actually have

This made me realise that I've been feeling so low and hiding away from what I have.  So since then I've been trying to focus on positives

Work has been difficult I've reapplied for my own job three times in two years and there will be a fourth time in the next year or so but at least I have a job!  My hours have been changed 30 minutes less each day means I now have to work an extra day every 8 weeks, but we never finish on time as it is so it will be an extra day a month for no extra pay, but at least I still have a job!

The trigger which I'm not discussing has not changed I did meet up with a few of those who I had fallen out with, I'm glad I did as it showed I've made the correct decision not to continue to have contact with them.  Very easy to write not so easy to accept.  

I've recently had a Big birthday  one that ends in a 0 so as I start a new Decade I have a new attitude - accept what I have not look back to what is missing.

I have an excellent daughter who is caring and loving, who spoilt me rotten for my birthday, kidnapped me, if you can call being taken to London for a surprise trip away a kidnapping - then arranged a full itinerary for the two days including tickets to the view from the shard for my birthday present.

I have been mentioned in the acknowledgement of a book thanking me for help - all I've done is send a few tweets and facebook messages to the author Michelle Betham and comment on her blog.  I found this to be soooo exciting as I love reading but to be mentioned was just so thrilling

So I'm counting my blessings 

• I have an excellent daughter  

• A brilliant birthday 

• I have a job 

• I love cricket 

• Mentioned in the acknowledgement of a book Striker by Michelle Betham

• I am only friends with those I want to be with 

 As  my I have a new mug says I need to 

• Shut up and deal with it ......

Just not on my blog since I tell you how I'm feeling which is a lot more chilled :) 

Pam xoxo

So what has helped - Other People’s Blogs

Through Twitter, I have followed links to other people’s blogs and daily papers.  Some I have read but not looked at again, others I have ‘Followed’ some I just lurk and look periodically.

A couple of blogs have affected me by their writing

1                     Poems and their stories  -  A selection of poems by Kirsten Shaw

2                     Me and my shadow  -  earl of bootyopia

I am not usually a fan of poetry, but Kirsten’s poems are easy to understand and often contain an explanation of the meaning or why they have been written.  I find it easy to relate to the pain and loneliness in some of her poems.  They make me realise that I am not alone in feeling loss.

The other blog, on depression has really affected me.  I wondered why it had affected me so much.  I think it was because I could relate to most of what had been written and maybe I had been depressed for much longer that I thought.  I have always felt I am not as good as my siblings, colleagues, friends and my best is never enough. 

I recently tweeted about losing followers on twitter I said that if I was unfollowed it was because they found me uninteresting.  Some lovely people told me I was talking rubbish, but I felt I was just being honest, not false modestly or looking for a compliment from others, but because that is how I genuinely feel.

After reading Earl of Bootyopia’s blog I decided that it was about time I posted the forms off for some counselling, I had been thinking about it for a while, especially after going to one of the Time For Change Roadshows.  So I sent off the form, and now two weeks later I have an appointment for tomorrow with a counsellor.  Not sure what to expect, but I shall see what happens as I’m going with an open mind - albeit a poorly mind !

It all helps to learn to chill and relax and be less stressed, so thank you to all the bloggers out there, you never know who is reading and you never know you may be helping them.

Thank you

ps - please tick the reactions box !  thanks

Update - been for my first counselling session, the counsellor was lovely, didn't make me feel an idiot or stupid and am going back next week 

So what has helped - Twitter

As previously mentioned in My first blog Twitter has helped me with my cope with depression. As I have no RL friends on Twitter it is easier to be myself, not a work colleague, mum, mate etc, just me. I have met some lovely people - had some tweets that I would love to be able to delete - mostly junk but on the whole they have been a great boost to my self-confidence.

Although I've been on Twitter for some time I really only started using it in November 2010 when the ashes started. I learnt about hashtags & found #ashes, so I commented, then replied to a few others, before long I'd gained a few followers and it has snow balled from there.

When someone tweets they have had bad news or are feeling down or have had an accident, visit to Drs etc I try to ask if they are OK. I am genuinely concerned, I know from experience that it may be lonely having bad news or bad things happen.

I made a comment one day asking if someone was OK after a tweet about a car accident - fortunately it was only a minor bump & they were OK, next thing I know they tweet:

if you dont already follow @pami42 and <another> both lovely and genuine people. not many around these days

I was having a particularly bad day when that was tweeted, so it was a wonderful boost to my confidence. Other people have described my as

lovely

on their #ff (follow fridays) recommendations.

As a result of this blog and me asking others how they are, I have found out that there are a lot of depressed people around, some of the comments include

• I was brave for admitting it on a blog
• using this blog as a form of therapy - it is 
• discussions on medications on
• never told others how they feel before 
• told me their personal stories

I have felt humbled, normal & very honoured being told other's story and have come to the conclusion that Twitter, like life, is full of all types of people with all sorts of opinions, physical & mental health problems. 

I then started to question if Twitter attracts those with self esteem and low confidence issues to it as a form of escape, but quickly came to the conclusion that is doesn't matter and just to accept everyone for who they are on Twitter not what they are. There are sports fans of various sports and teams both national & international, people from different parts of the world, even other archers fans.

So I accept what I'm told at face value, I discuss imaginary elephants publicly whilst privately talk to others about various types of depression and low self-esteem. All of which is helping me to

Learn to Chill !!


Been recommended as a #FF with the following description, don't normally retweet, but at the end of a stressful week this was wonderful, which was then commented on and from the original post several others followed to boost my confidence

 #FF a Twitter angel, caring, selfless & wonderful. She personifies the best of humanity

you are a lovely twitter friend, who always cares for others. You deserve all the praise you get. xxx

That we have, It's something you're going to have to put up with, knowing that we're out here & appreciate you for who you are!

Bad day Yuuuuk

Today is a bad day but since this is an all inclusive blog then I'm not going to spare the details.  I can not remember what comment triggered a terrible reaction and deep sense of self loathing, I just know how I felt.  I had a row, and went off, I knew I wanted to do something bad to myself - not sure what but I didn't trust myself to go home.

Instead I went to the local shopping centre to wander round and have a coffee.  I walked around feeling closed in, cold, very very very low not wanting to be here, had started to make a plan, but knew I shouldn't so news paper and coffee it was.  After a while the despair I felt closing in on me started to relax a bit, the paper was full of doom and gloom with a bit of celebrity gossip thrown in.  I was still feeling very very low and down but began to think about the daughter and what effect my actions would have on her.
I went home, to veg out in front of the TV -  daughter rang, to check up on me - she does that a lot - probably bit too much.  She sang an silly song to me to cheer me up which has worked.  I've written this but not sure whether to post or not.

Few days later.....
I've decided to post this - it's my blog and I can post what I want when I want - so good days and bad days will be mentioned.