Acceptance

I have neglected by blog for far to long.  I have found the past two years extremely difficult but I now need to accept things have changed & it's time to move on.  

I've been very low and feeling sorry for myself again I need to pull myself together I know this is easier said than done

I was recently told to 

• stop feeling sorry for myself 

• stop missing what I don't have 

• start enjoying what I actually have

This made me realise that I've been feeling so low and hiding away from what I have.  So since then I've been trying to focus on positives

Work has been difficult I've reapplied for my own job three times in two years and there will be a fourth time in the next year or so but at least I have a job!  My hours have been changed 30 minutes less each day means I now have to work an extra day every 8 weeks, but we never finish on time as it is so it will be an extra day a month for no extra pay, but at least I still have a job!

The trigger which I'm not discussing has not changed I did meet up with a few of those who I had fallen out with, I'm glad I did as it showed I've made the correct decision not to continue to have contact with them.  Very easy to write not so easy to accept.  

I've recently had a Big birthday  one that ends in a 0 so as I start a new Decade I have a new attitude - accept what I have not look back to what is missing.

I have an excellent daughter who is caring and loving, who spoilt me rotten for my birthday, kidnapped me, if you can call being taken to London for a surprise trip away a kidnapping - then arranged a full itinerary for the two days including tickets to the view from the shard for my birthday present.

I have been mentioned in the acknowledgement of a book thanking me for help - all I've done is send a few tweets and facebook messages to the author Michelle Betham and comment on her blog.  I found this to be soooo exciting as I love reading but to be mentioned was just so thrilling

So I'm counting my blessings 

• I have an excellent daughter  

• A brilliant birthday 

• I have a job 

• I love cricket 

• Mentioned in the acknowledgement of a book Striker by Michelle Betham

• I am only friends with those I want to be with 

 As  my I have a new mug says I need to 

• Shut up and deal with it ......

Just not on my blog since I tell you how I'm feeling which is a lot more chilled :) 

Pam xoxo

I've been a poor friend ....

I have not spoken/eMailed been in touch with my friends in real life.  It is easy to keep in touch with Twitter friends but not so easy with real friends for this I am truly sorry.

It is nothing that my friends have done, just me, it is easier to think I’ll contact them tomorrow, but before you know it a month has gone by, then two, six months, a year, 18 months, so I need to rectify that.  I know I should be eMailing my friends directly instead of writing about it on my blog, but this way I am able to sort things in my head as to what I want to say.

One friend was upset that I hadn’t kept in touch, but after she had cancelled coffee twice I thought she didn’t want to know me, not that she had other appointments on those days – no excuse but since I was so low I was convinced that she didn’t want to meet me.  It is just one example of how my depression has separated my from others.

I have not even sent Christmas cards for at least two years, didn’t even bother with a tree in 2010, I usually wrote a Round Robin letter with my cards, but nothing not even an explanation let alone card or letter.  I have chatted a bit via facebook, but even then not answered messages to friends.  I was always going to do it tomorrow – but as usual tomorrow has never materialised.

It was my birthday recently, not a big one but am using it as a time to make birthday resolutions – like new year but made at my birthday not 1 January – so if I write them on here, then I will update my blog as to have I am progressing, so here is my list

    1      Contact my friends – apologise to them for not being in touch – then try and keep in touch

    2      Update my blog regularly, not just when I remember & reply to comments made – if someone has been kind enough to make a comment I should be polite enough to respond/answer their question

    3      Be more social – text my friends more

    4      Try to go out and meet others more – want to help at local cricket club as well as watching cricket

    5      I need to start thinking very positively and not thinking woe is me as it’s not healthy for me or my daughter as she is the one who is most affected by my low moods.

So filled with good intentions I am off to write some eMails and respond to comments made on earlier postings

Still learning to chill out – taking a bit longer than I had hoped 

Counselling

I had the form for the counselling services for some months before I posted it off.  The time felt right for me to start addressing some of my issues.

I had a phone message left giving me choices of a few dates/times.  I accepted one and then blogged I was going for counselling, I was quite nervous and I had a few very positive and encouraging comments about the benefits of counselling.

I nervously attended the first session,  The counsellor whom I’ll call Katie was lovely, she explained how the service work and asked about the initial catalyst that had caused the severe depression and my childhood and my so called love life and other details of my life.  I left after the hour rushed by I felt very positive about having started some counselling.

The second session with Katie she asked me some questions base on what I had initially told her last week.  This session was spent mostly on my childhood; she made some comments about my parents/grandparent, which I became very defensive about, however, have spent some time thinking about what was said, I agreed with her.  Some things said to me when I was young, were unkind, hurtful, and should not have been said to a child.  I need to start looking after myself, let others look after themselves.

Just returned from my third session.  I’m going to write a letter, which will probably never be sent but might make me feel better.  I need to remember I am an adult and not a child about to be told off; I need to recognise the feelings and learn not to react child like but to remain in control of the situation. 

She suggested ways to enable me to sleep prior to a day shift.  My biggest fear is that I will sleep in, so instead of sleeping I spend most of the night worrying that I’ll sleep through the alarm.  New ways of waking up are needed, instead of just relying on one alarm clock think of other ways.  This has helped and I’ve worked three day shifts without sleeping in and have slept for at least 7 hours.

Fourth session was did I write the letter – I did but haven’t sent it – not going to send it but it made me feel better.

The rest of the sessions became a bit more personal which I’m sure you will understand that I don’t want to share with my blog.  I had a total of 8 sessions.  Most of the time I feel OK but I still have some bad days.  Whilst having CBT my GP told me, it would be better if I were not taking anti depressants at the same time I did feel OK at the time.

Other things have happened and I can feel my self sinking back into depression again so I may have to go back to the Dr for some anti-depressants.  Not having been on twitter for a while due to looking after daughter has not helped as I used twitter to help keep me sane – well not so depressed

It all helping me Learning to Chill

So what has helped - daughter

I have previously mentioned my daughter in my first blog and again in bad day yuuuuk  She has been extremely caring and concerned about me, I think she has taken on checking on me and due to my depression she needs to do it too much - not too many phones call to talk but having to look after me.


If it wasn't for her I don't think I would be here as when I'm feeling my lowest it is only the thought of her that keeps me going.  We sometimes argue - who doesn't but for the majority of the time we are great friends.

I often feel that I am letting her down because I'm depressed and have panic attacks, but I am taking the tablets and try to overcome my depression and the panic attacks are becoming less frequent.

She is very good at cheering me up - dragging me out or just saying the right thing at the right time.  I'd had a terrible shift at work; customer swearing at me and I felt lousy because of it.  On way home I called daughter and told her about the shift, her first question to me was

"Well what did you do to them, no one just starts swearing at you for no reason, so now tell me what did you say"

It was what I used to say when she was little and telling tales on someone.  It just cheered me up instantly lifting my mood.  She has even turned up with food parcel and home made "ready meals" to ensure I eat properly  Daughter is an excellent cook - her roast dinners and banana cake are brilliant :)


All just help me learn to chill !!

Bad day Yuuuuk

Today is a bad day but since this is an all inclusive blog then I'm not going to spare the details.  I can not remember what comment triggered a terrible reaction and deep sense of self loathing, I just know how I felt.  I had a row, and went off, I knew I wanted to do something bad to myself - not sure what but I didn't trust myself to go home.

Instead I went to the local shopping centre to wander round and have a coffee.  I walked around feeling closed in, cold, very very very low not wanting to be here, had started to make a plan, but knew I shouldn't so news paper and coffee it was.  After a while the despair I felt closing in on me started to relax a bit, the paper was full of doom and gloom with a bit of celebrity gossip thrown in.  I was still feeling very very low and down but began to think about the daughter and what effect my actions would have on her.
I went home, to veg out in front of the TV -  daughter rang, to check up on me - she does that a lot - probably bit too much.  She sang an silly song to me to cheer me up which has worked.  I've written this but not sure whether to post or not.

Few days later.....
I've decided to post this - it's my blog and I can post what I want when I want - so good days and bad days will be mentioned.

Background info on how it all started - or what tipped me over the edge

No death in the family or anything like that, just a crazy remark that sparked a whole series of events which although the cause is not the subject of this blog.

Things were hard, but I was coping, even if I was not sleeping.  I was so worried about not sleeping that I wasn't sleeping - two hours sleep then a 13 hour shift was not much fun.  Everyone had had to fill in a skills list, another name of re-applying for own job, to be scored, not based on ability but on sickness time, courses attended etc.  I was convinced that I would not have a job in my department and the date when we would find out was put further and further back.

The only thing stable in my life was work, even managed to do a bit of overtime all be it night shift.  Then one morning was told by my boss I was being transferred to another site for 6 weeks - and it was tough that I didn't have transport I just had to go.  It sounds pathetic I know but if he had said - Pam it will be good for your career development or sold it to me a bit better - gain further experience etc etc then it might not have been the final straw.  I had a bit of a reprieve as a colleague was off sick so I was to stay where I was for an extra two weeks.

However, when a friend asked how I was I said "well I daren't go to my GP as he will sign me off work" which I didn't want as it would go against me whilst HR was working out who would be re-deployed - everyone was in the same situation.  Things came to a head when I shouted at my daughter for miss-understanding a joke.  

She dragged me to the doctors to make an appointment, then turned up the next morning to ensure I attended the doctors.  The Dr asked me a serious of questions and as stupid as this sounds now until then I had not realised just how depressed I was, I answered "all of the time" for everyone.

I had been going home from work and just wishing I was dead.  I knew I wasn't going to do anything stupid as I did not want to hurt my daughter, but if I was run over then I would care

I am much better than I was then but still have down days, but I'm Learning to Chill and not be stressed or so depressed

My first blog ....

This is my first blog, not sure how it will be but here goes!  I've not been well, had what the Dr has described as Severe Depression, but I'm now taking Happy Pills and not as Severe Depression, just depression.  So what has helped

• Twitter
• I know no-one on my twitter account in real life (RL) but I have gained followers who have been very kind, helpful and considerate
• Work Colleagues
• Some of my colleagues have been very supportive and said really great things to lift my mood without them realising it
• Acceptance
• Learning to accept how things are and I can't change things
• Chill
• my new favourite expression is "CHILL"  linked to the acceptance of things I can't change.  No more ranting, just say CHILL instead
• Daughter
• My wonderful daughter is forever finding ways to cheer me up and not let me wallow in self pity, but to try and find ways for me to be less stressed
• Art Acadamy for DS
• I'm learning to draw/paint with the DS which is relaxing, and as it is electronic, I'm able to keep trying and trying without wasting paper, paint etc

Well that's it for now, will keep adding and will be honest about how I feel