Upsetting communications

I'm going on a "communication course" as there have been two complaints about me at work and possibly a third complaint made.  If my boss had communicated with me before enrolling me on the course then he may have realised that one of the complainants said they were NOT complaining about me.  The second complaint had been witnessed by another customer - what & how I had communicated with the other complainant - she had offered to speak to my boss on my behalf if there ever was a complaint made against me.

Just really upset about it especially my boss' lack of communication with me, he even asked another manager to tell me I was going on the course.  The following day an eMail is sent out about another complaint - things not done, poor communication etc etc but at the end of the eMail it stated it wasn’t first incident where people have complained at staff attitude.  The nature of work is such that others will ask & will find out – everyone knows everything about everyone that since communications is such a vital part of work if I am so bad I will be sacked soon I’m just really worried about it.

The next eMail from boss was he will soon be advertising some new posts at work & does anyone want to change their hours - I feel like saying just sack me now it will be quicker than a constructive dismissal

Was really unhappy about it next shift at work most of the staff asked how I was feeling as I was just so quiet - I haven't told anyone about the complaint and being sent on the course. 

This was just how I felt at the time, now a few days later I have calmed down a bit, I have told a few colleagues at work – well 3 people so everyone will know now, some just laughed at the suggestion that I have poor communications.  I have no objections to going on the course, just upset that the course and the reason for being sent on it recorded on my personal record.  Depends how I feel – I may appeal against it being recorded on my record.

I’ll just remember to Chill and be calm and professional at work

Sleep... too much .. wrong time .....

Not sleeping at night - so instead I fall asleep at 5am, then wake at lunchtime- feel terrible that slept so long, so just go back to sleep till late afternoon.

Then realise that I've wasted the day so try and do something, but feel depressed so don't do anything, go back to sleep, wake at midnight and so the sleep cycle begins again.  It is not helping my depression, just making me more and more irritable and lethargic which is not very good or healthy.  As I’m not in a normal sleep pattern I’m not eating properly, can’t be bothered to go to the gym not seeing friends or family either so just in a never ending cycle of depression.

So one week off work and most of it awake at night, sleeping during the day.  Back on night shift this week, that should cure me as I'll stay up on the day off so will be tired enough to sleep all night.  Have to do something as it is just making me worse, uncaring & unsympathetic.  May have to create a star chart to ensure I do something every day !!

It may just help to be to learn to chill !!

Feeling déjà vu

Having returned to work after two weeks I had my appointment with the occupational health - bit late really but had to be done, they are recommending I work mostly nights as I'm still not sleeping.

The roster for the next few weeks is out, next's weeks shifts have been changed - I'm being sent to another site again.  I'm dreading it as that was what tipped me over the edge last time.  Those doing the roster just don't care, they just want the shifts covered.  I've an extra two shifts on the roster as well.

Must go into work and just say CHILL.  

Not easy but I'm Learning to Chill !! 

Background info on how it all started - or what tipped me over the edge

No death in the family or anything like that, just a crazy remark that sparked a whole series of events which although the cause is not the subject of this blog.

Things were hard, but I was coping, even if I was not sleeping.  I was so worried about not sleeping that I wasn't sleeping - two hours sleep then a 13 hour shift was not much fun.  Everyone had had to fill in a skills list, another name of re-applying for own job, to be scored, not based on ability but on sickness time, courses attended etc.  I was convinced that I would not have a job in my department and the date when we would find out was put further and further back.

The only thing stable in my life was work, even managed to do a bit of overtime all be it night shift.  Then one morning was told by my boss I was being transferred to another site for 6 weeks - and it was tough that I didn't have transport I just had to go.  It sounds pathetic I know but if he had said - Pam it will be good for your career development or sold it to me a bit better - gain further experience etc etc then it might not have been the final straw.  I had a bit of a reprieve as a colleague was off sick so I was to stay where I was for an extra two weeks.

However, when a friend asked how I was I said "well I daren't go to my GP as he will sign me off work" which I didn't want as it would go against me whilst HR was working out who would be re-deployed - everyone was in the same situation.  Things came to a head when I shouted at my daughter for miss-understanding a joke.  

She dragged me to the doctors to make an appointment, then turned up the next morning to ensure I attended the doctors.  The Dr asked me a serious of questions and as stupid as this sounds now until then I had not realised just how depressed I was, I answered "all of the time" for everyone.

I had been going home from work and just wishing I was dead.  I knew I wasn't going to do anything stupid as I did not want to hurt my daughter, but if I was run over then I would care

I am much better than I was then but still have down days, but I'm Learning to Chill and not be stressed or so depressed