What's helped - Art Acadamy for DS

I'm learning to draw/paint with the DS which is relaxing, and as it is electronic, I'm able to keep trying and trying without wasting paper, paint etc.

I have now ventured out to using real paper, pencils and paint.  I  have just tried to re-create the images from the DS Lessons.  I have been to the park with my pad and paints - but they are not very good - at the moment - not sure the others are really but will post a few of the 'DS Lesson drawings & paintings'

Hopefully over the year there may be some improvement - can't be much worse :)

It all just helps me to Chill

First pencil drawings

2nd pencil drawing

Very 1st watercolour

second watercolour

Upsetting communications

I'm going on a "communication course" as there have been two complaints about me at work and possibly a third complaint made.  If my boss had communicated with me before enrolling me on the course then he may have realised that one of the complainants said they were NOT complaining about me.  The second complaint had been witnessed by another customer - what & how I had communicated with the other complainant - she had offered to speak to my boss on my behalf if there ever was a complaint made against me.

Just really upset about it especially my boss' lack of communication with me, he even asked another manager to tell me I was going on the course.  The following day an eMail is sent out about another complaint - things not done, poor communication etc etc but at the end of the eMail it stated it wasn’t first incident where people have complained at staff attitude.  The nature of work is such that others will ask & will find out – everyone knows everything about everyone that since communications is such a vital part of work if I am so bad I will be sacked soon I’m just really worried about it.

The next eMail from boss was he will soon be advertising some new posts at work & does anyone want to change their hours - I feel like saying just sack me now it will be quicker than a constructive dismissal

Was really unhappy about it next shift at work most of the staff asked how I was feeling as I was just so quiet - I haven't told anyone about the complaint and being sent on the course. 

This was just how I felt at the time, now a few days later I have calmed down a bit, I have told a few colleagues at work – well 3 people so everyone will know now, some just laughed at the suggestion that I have poor communications.  I have no objections to going on the course, just upset that the course and the reason for being sent on it recorded on my personal record.  Depends how I feel – I may appeal against it being recorded on my record.

I’ll just remember to Chill and be calm and professional at work

Sleep... too much .. wrong time .....

Not sleeping at night - so instead I fall asleep at 5am, then wake at lunchtime- feel terrible that slept so long, so just go back to sleep till late afternoon.

Then realise that I've wasted the day so try and do something, but feel depressed so don't do anything, go back to sleep, wake at midnight and so the sleep cycle begins again.  It is not helping my depression, just making me more and more irritable and lethargic which is not very good or healthy.  As I’m not in a normal sleep pattern I’m not eating properly, can’t be bothered to go to the gym not seeing friends or family either so just in a never ending cycle of depression.

So one week off work and most of it awake at night, sleeping during the day.  Back on night shift this week, that should cure me as I'll stay up on the day off so will be tired enough to sleep all night.  Have to do something as it is just making me worse, uncaring & unsympathetic.  May have to create a star chart to ensure I do something every day !!

It may just help to be to learn to chill !!

Love life - if you can call it that ha ha ha

Just amended this blog to point out from the offset that I’m NOT on Twitter to find a someone – see BLOG NOR am I desperate for a bloke, 

Not sure if I'll ever post this blog as it is a bit more personal that usual but will write it any way!

Let me just start by saying I'm straight, not a weirdo, not a nun, but not promiscuous either, I've had three long term relationships (five years or more) with long periods being single in between.  It is less than a year since last & I split up - he ended it but it was more like mutual agreement than breaking my heart.  This is NOT the place to discuss my relationships and/or why they have failed EVER.

I'm NOT desperate for a fella, please don't think that as I enjoy the freedom of being single but at times it would be nice just to go out for a meal, watch the cricket with someone.  I was thinking about this as I was swimming at the gym earlier in the week - have to think about something whilst swimming 20 lengths. See just going to the gym with someone would be nice.

Anyway as I was saying whilst swimming it hit me that although I have thought myself in love with two of the three guys I've had long term relationships, only one of the three ever was in love with me.  I know I was stupid to stay with someone who doesn't love me but I did.  I think I would like to meet someone who will love me just for being me.

That is where the difficulty arises, how do you meet someone - work is not an option either too young - don't want someone much younger than me, don't do with married men - or anyone in a relationship.  I accept people for who they appear on twitter and don’t care about their age, being single, gender sexuality etc but if I was to start a relationship then I do care.  So where next, Facebook? Twitter?

How do I over come

• Appearing desperate and only on Twitter to find a fella – see BLOG to realise that is not true
• How can one have fun without giving out the wrong signals
• How to give out the right signals
• My paranoia that those online are who they say
• How do you know who you talk to is genuine – truthful about their age, being single, gender sexuality etc?
• How do you learn all about someone whilst being genuine about myself
• Does mentioning my past mean overburdening a casual acquaintance with my baggage
• How can I tell someone I am genuine and want to help with their baggage
• How not to misinterpret friendship for more
• How not to give the impression of wanting more

Someone - sorry can’t remember who – recently tweeted

Everyone comes with baggage from previous relationships.....but who is willing to love you enough to stand there & help you unpack

The difficulty is finding the person to help you unpack who hasn’t been put off by the size of the baggage!

Sorry this has blog is bit longer than usual, and more waffley but it’s MY blog so I can put what I want after all it is similar to an online public diary.

Meanwhile I’ll just learn to chill

So what has helped - daughter

I have previously mentioned my daughter in my first blog and again in bad day yuuuuk  She has been extremely caring and concerned about me, I think she has taken on checking on me and due to my depression she needs to do it too much - not too many phones call to talk but having to look after me.


If it wasn't for her I don't think I would be here as when I'm feeling my lowest it is only the thought of her that keeps me going.  We sometimes argue - who doesn't but for the majority of the time we are great friends.

I often feel that I am letting her down because I'm depressed and have panic attacks, but I am taking the tablets and try to overcome my depression and the panic attacks are becoming less frequent.

She is very good at cheering me up - dragging me out or just saying the right thing at the right time.  I'd had a terrible shift at work; customer swearing at me and I felt lousy because of it.  On way home I called daughter and told her about the shift, her first question to me was

"Well what did you do to them, no one just starts swearing at you for no reason, so now tell me what did you say"

It was what I used to say when she was little and telling tales on someone.  It just cheered me up instantly lifting my mood.  She has even turned up with food parcel and home made "ready meals" to ensure I eat properly  Daughter is an excellent cook - her roast dinners and banana cake are brilliant :)


All just help me learn to chill !!

So what has helped - Twitter

As previously mentioned in My first blog Twitter has helped me with my cope with depression. As I have no RL friends on Twitter it is easier to be myself, not a work colleague, mum, mate etc, just me. I have met some lovely people - had some tweets that I would love to be able to delete - mostly junk but on the whole they have been a great boost to my self-confidence.

Although I've been on Twitter for some time I really only started using it in November 2010 when the ashes started. I learnt about hashtags & found #ashes, so I commented, then replied to a few others, before long I'd gained a few followers and it has snow balled from there.

When someone tweets they have had bad news or are feeling down or have had an accident, visit to Drs etc I try to ask if they are OK. I am genuinely concerned, I know from experience that it may be lonely having bad news or bad things happen.

I made a comment one day asking if someone was OK after a tweet about a car accident - fortunately it was only a minor bump & they were OK, next thing I know they tweet:

if you dont already follow @pami42 and <another> both lovely and genuine people. not many around these days

I was having a particularly bad day when that was tweeted, so it was a wonderful boost to my confidence. Other people have described my as

lovely

on their #ff (follow fridays) recommendations.

As a result of this blog and me asking others how they are, I have found out that there are a lot of depressed people around, some of the comments include

• I was brave for admitting it on a blog
• using this blog as a form of therapy - it is 
• discussions on medications on
• never told others how they feel before 
• told me their personal stories

I have felt humbled, normal & very honoured being told other's story and have come to the conclusion that Twitter, like life, is full of all types of people with all sorts of opinions, physical & mental health problems. 

I then started to question if Twitter attracts those with self esteem and low confidence issues to it as a form of escape, but quickly came to the conclusion that is doesn't matter and just to accept everyone for who they are on Twitter not what they are. There are sports fans of various sports and teams both national & international, people from different parts of the world, even other archers fans.

So I accept what I'm told at face value, I discuss imaginary elephants publicly whilst privately talk to others about various types of depression and low self-esteem. All of which is helping me to

Learn to Chill !!


Been recommended as a #FF with the following description, don't normally retweet, but at the end of a stressful week this was wonderful, which was then commented on and from the original post several others followed to boost my confidence

 #FF a Twitter angel, caring, selfless & wonderful. She personifies the best of humanity

you are a lovely twitter friend, who always cares for others. You deserve all the praise you get. xxx

That we have, It's something you're going to have to put up with, knowing that we're out here & appreciate you for who you are!

Cloak of Despair

Sometimes on my bad days a little comment or action makes me feel terrible.  It feels as if I am wrapped snugly in a cloak of despair which after a while becomes like a warm bed on a cold morning, not wanting to move the covers and be faced with an icy blast from the cold room air.

The way out of the depression does not have a nagging alarm clock forcing me to leap of the bed to switch it off.  Instead it is hard work to find a way to dislodge the comfort of the cloak.  It is not a conscious decision at the time, but looking back on the episode it does seem something so little that sparks such a large reaction

It occasionally can be another comment that lifts the cloak, more often than not it lingers until the next day.  I am learning to try to stop the cloak wrapping around and engulfing me, or at least reduce the time of feeling terrible.

Just having to say CHILL as I'm still learning to chill  !!

bad day at work

Terrible day at work, started badly and just went downhill from then.

Had to do three things at once, no supplies, then felt as if I was being told off by my manager and I started to panic.

I just kept saying CHILL to calm me down and to stop the panic feelings turning into a panic attack.

I was described by customer as a "sh*t" to a colleague, who then told me.  I didn't need to know that I knew what I'd said had been taken the wrong way.

The positive thing was I did NOT have a panic attack and managed to control the feelings of doom and gloom which was good.

Just kept saying CHILL as silly as it sounds really did help this time

chilling at work

I am being laughed at by my colleagues in a good way that just adds to me being eccentric.  
Instead of stressing over little things I now just say 

Chill

Instead of eating cakes, chocolates, biscuits or other such really really nice things I have been heard to say

they are the work of the devil just making my hips fat

being laughed with instead of laughed help with my self esteem, it is still a mixture of good and bad days but the days of utter despair are thankfully reducing 

Slight over reaction ??

My work roster is complied and published electronically - but as any computer programmer knows - 

Computers don't make mistakes people do

but we mustn't complain about the roster as it is unprofessional and is taken as a person insult to those completing the roster.   Apparently I'm not going to another location to work - the computer has made a mistake so I have been upset for no reason at all....

I'm not fuming about this, just learning to chill